Jokes

[Davita]

The old-fashioned and rather snobbish UK Lawn-Bowl Club held a meeting to discuss future member's application letters.
One applicant, of Nigerian descent, appeared eminently suitable as he lived in a mansion, drove a Bentley and dispensed largesse.
However, one member said he'd researched and found the source of his wealth came from connections to internet scams that Nigeria was famous for.
The prim lady secretary, dressed in tweed, then loudly and sternly demanded a vote..... "Should this applicant be black-balled...yea or nay?"
The President, evidently snoozing and obviously startled, jumped up..... "Madam Secretary" he snorted "that will be unnecessary...the applicant is a Nigerian!"

 

[snpark]

Huh ?

 

[Davita]

Huh ?

I see this is your first contribution to the jokes thread, so perhaps you're a little nervous, but I have to say I don't get anything amusing from 'Huh?' .......did you forget the next line?
Often happens to me telling jokes when drunk...

 

[snpark]

Huh as in I didn't get the joke?
I presume it was something to do with black balls and he was Nigerian?

 

[vocalneal]

I had a good friend in South Africa (sadly died in a car crash). I asked him if he being a native South African if he could visually distinguish the different tribes of SA. He said apart from Zulu no. But he could spot a Nigerian.

 

[vocalneal]

People who buy selfie sticks need to take a long look at themselves.

 

[Theoros]

Confucius say: Man who run through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok.

 

[vocalneal]

 

[vocalneal]

 

[Vanhelsing]

How many online forum members does it take to change a light bulb?

1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed.

14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently.

7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs.

27 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light bulbs.

53 to flame the spell checkers.

41 to correct spelling/grammar flames.

6 to argue over whether it's "lightbulb" or "light bulb"...another 6 to condemn those 6 as anal-retentive

2 industry professionals to inform the group that the proper term is "lamp".

15 know-it-alls who claim *they* were in the industry, and that "light bulb" is perfectly correct.

11 to email the participant's ISPs complaining that they are in violation of their "acceptable use policy".

9 to post that this group is not about light bulbs and to please take this discussion to a lightbulb group

23 to demand that cross posting to hardware forum, off-topic forum, and lightbulb group about changing light bulbs be stopped.

17 to defend the posting to this group saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts *are* relevant to this group.

30 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this technique, and what brands are faulty.

27 to post URL's where one can see examples of different light bulbs.

14 to post that the URL's were posted incorrectly and then post the corrected URL's.

3 to post about links they found from the URL's that are relevant to this group which makes light bulbs relevant to this group.

33 to link all posts to date, quote them in their entirety including all headers and signatures, and add "Me too".

12 to post to the group that they will no longer post because they cannot handle the light bulb controversy.

19 to quote the "Me too's" to say "Me three".

4 to suggest that posters request the light bulb FAQ.

44 to ask what is a "FAQ".

4 to say "didn't we go through this already a short time ago?"

3 to say "do a Google search on light bulbs before posting questions about light bulbs".

1 forum lurker to respond to the original post 6 months from now and start it all over again....

 

[waarmstrong]

You may not have to be aging to get this one, but it certainly helps.

 

[Davita]

Not so much a joke but ex-military will recall we were often assessed on performance... here's a list of some amusing reports....

Men will follow this officer's lead, out of sheer curiosity.
This officer is depriving a village somewhere of its idiot.
I would not breed from this officer.
This officer is really not so much of a has-been, more of a won't-be.
It's hard to believe this officer beat 1,000,000 other sperm.
This officer would be out of his depth in a car-park puddle.
If this officer were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.
This officer got into the gene pool while the lifeguard was in the toilet.
This officer has carried out each and everyone of his duties to his complete satisfaction.

 

[Daniel50]

I heard of an officers report on an enlisted person it was: "He consistently fails to live up to the low expectations he sets for himself".

 

[Anglian]

Other officer descriptions
Having the IQ of a headless chicken
Saving up enough brains to become a half wit

 

[Vanhelsing]

Why wasn't Jesus born in Indonesia/?
God couldn't find a virgin or three wise men.

I just know someone isn't going to be able to replace "Indonesia" with any one of the remaining 195 countries of the world, and as a consequence,not see the joke.

 

[vocalneal]

“I’ve decided to stop masturbating, since then I’ve not really felt myself.”

 

[vocalneal]

Global Facts About Sex - At any given moment:


*** 79,000,000 people are having sex - right now.



*** 58,000,000 are kissing.


*** 37,000,000 are relaxing after having sex.


*** 1 older person is reading emails.

 

[vocalneal]

You may not have to be aging to get this one, but it certainly helps.

Here's one for you?

A guy on a scooter runs into a very large fat guy.

"Didn't see me you **** it is not as if I am small.
"Sorry mate I am on reserve and didn't know if I had enough to go around you!"

 

[vocalneal]

A Geordie and an American aid worker are helping out in Africa .
Yank says, "You from round here, buddy?"
"No," he replies, " Newc..astle "
"What State's that in?" asks the Yank.
"Pretty much the same as this place!"

 

[vocalneal]