Jokes

[Davita]

Thank you E_G......at last.....a considered explanation.
If members had the courtesy to explain properly my mistake, prior to 5 days later than when I originally posted, I would have been able to do something about it.
I saw something completely different and couldn't understand what was wrong.

 

[El_Goretto]

Thank you E_G......at last.....a considered explanation.
If members had the courtesy to explain properly my mistake, prior to 5 days later than when I originally posted, I would have been able to do something about it.
I saw something completely different and couldn't understand what was wrong.

No offense but you made your mistake all on your own. If you had wanted an explanation earlier, you should have made a report earlier than today.

 

[Davita]

No offense but you made your mistake all on your own. If you had wanted an explanation earlier, you should have made a report earlier than today.

I wasn't aware there was anything wrong until today.
Last Thursday Waarmstrong said in his post #206 .... "Thanks for the explanation; I get the joke now. I guess there is a glick is my system; I still only see

....and Ruserious didn't reply....so I thought everything from my side was OK and the problem was his system. Therefore I ignored the problem and didn't think I needed an explanation as no-one else made any posts.

This morning I thought someone had published a code on an open forum to get into my computer so I privately reported immediately using the report system. I was expecting a private response but dafluff decided to answer on the forum.
What surprises me is how many today come out of the woodwork with snide comments...and yet there was no-one giving advice 5 days ago.

 

[R Cameron]

Davita,

I saw the problem pretty early on and considered explaining it to you. But posts #202 and #203 were already there trying to nicely tell you, but your response in #204 read (to me) as somewhat rude and not wanting to understand the problem. So I just moved on, knowing that no harmful info was posted, just a joke missing part of the punchline.

Lets not blame others for not jumping to help where it wasn't urgent or important.

 

[Davita]

It's OK folks...I won't be telling any more jokes.

 

[dafluff]

I was expecting a private response but dafluff decided to answer on the forum.

I did what now? I don't recall responding to you in any manner regarding this issue.

 

[Davita]

I did what now? I don't recall responding to you in any manner regarding this issue.

Apologies...it was E_G who responded on the forum to my report to the moderators about what I thought was forum hacking.

 

[vocalneal]

Two gay men are walking together through a zoo. They come across a gorilla and notice that the male gorilla has a massive erection. The two men are fascinated by this.
One of the men just can't bear it any longer so he reaches into the cage to touch it. The gorilla grabs him, drags him into the cage and has his way with him for six hours, non-stop, while the zoo attendants helplessly stand by.
When he's done, the gorilla throws the man out of the cage. An ambulance is called and the man is taken away to the hospital.
A few days later, his friend visits him in the hospital and asks, "Are you hurt?"
Am I hurt?" he shouts, "Wouldn't you be? He hasn't called, he hasn't written..

 

[dafluff]

Donald Trump wants to repaint the White House. He calls for quotations.

Chinese contractor quotes $3 million.
German contractor quotes $7 million.
Indonesian contractor quotes $10 million.

Trump asks the Chinese: How did you get to $3 million?
Chinese contractor replies: $1 million for paint, $1 million for labor, and $1 million profit...

Trump asks the German the same question.
The reply: $2 million for paint, $4 million for labor, $1 million profit...

Finally Trump asks the Indonesian.
The Indonesian contractor smiles and says $4 million for you, $3 million for me, then we will pay $3 million to the Chinese to do the job!

 

[vocalneal]

^ Change to Thailand and how much to build a railway!

 

[vocalneal]

It was recently the anniversary of the death of the actor Leslie Nielson, who died in a hospital in Florida

It's a big building with doctors and patients, but that's not important right now......

 

[vocalneal]

- Hello! Gordon's pizza?

- No sir it's Google's pizza.

- So it's a wrong number?" Sorry

- No sir, Google bought it.

- OK. Take my order please

- Well sir, you want the usual?"

- The usual? You know me?

- According to our caller ID data sheet, in the last 12 times, you ordered pizza with cheeses, sausage, thick crust.

- OK! This is it ...

- May I suggest to you this time ricotta, arugula with dry tomato.?

- What? I hate vegetables.

- Your cholesterol is not good, sir."

- How do you know?

- We crossed the number of your fixed line ☎ with your name, through the subscribers guide. We have the result of your blood tests for the last 7 years.

- Okay, but I do not want this pizza!, I already take medicine ...

-"Excuse me, but you have not taken the medicine regularly, from our commercial database, 4 months ago, you only purchased a box with 30 cholesterol tablets at Drugsale Network.

- I bought more from another drugstore.

- It's not showing on your credit card statement

- I paid in cash

- But you did not withdraw that much cash according to your bank statement

- I have have other source of cash

- This is not showing as per you last Tax form unless you bought them from undeclared income source.

-WHAT THE HELL?

"I'm sorry, sir, we use such information only with the intention of helping you.❤❤❤

- Enough! I'm sick of google, facebook, twitter, WhatsApp. I'm going to an Island without internet, cable TV, where there is no cell phone line and no one to watch me or spy on me

"I understand sir but you need to renew your passport first as it expired 5 weeks ago

 

[vocalneal]

 

[Euc-]

A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife. She was determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she placed an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand.

Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk.

She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.

He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching.

For weeks the two of them worked hard and the ranch was doing very well.

Then one day, the rancher's widow said 'You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels.'

The hired hand readily agreed and went into town on Saturday night.

He returned around 2:30 am, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him.

She quietly called him over to her.

'Unbutton my blouse and take it off,' she said. Trembling, he did as she directed.

'Now take off my boots.' He did as she asked, ever so slowly.

'Now take off my socks.' He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.

'Now take off my skirt.'

He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the firelight.

'Now take off my bra.' Again, with trembling hands did as he was told and dropped it to the floor..

Then she looked at him and said:'If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired!'

 

[Euc-]

A cowboy, who just moved to Wyoming from Texas, walks into a bar and orders
three mugs of Bud. He sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each
one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three
more.

The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy, "You know, a mug goes flat
after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time."

The cowboy replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in Arizona ,
the other is in Colorado . When we all left our home in Texas , we promised
that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together. So I'm
drinking one beer for each of my brothers and one for myself."

The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.

The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way. He
orders three mugs and drinks them in turn.

One day, he comes in and only orders two mugs. All the regulars take notice
and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the
bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer
my condolences on your loss."

The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in his eyes
and he laughs.

"Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he explains, "It's just that my wife and I
joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking."

"Hasn't affected my brothers though."

 

[Euc-]

A nun, badly needing to use to the restroom, walked into a local Hooters. The place was hopping with music and loud conversation and every once in a while 'the lights would turn off.'

Each time the lights would go out, the place would erupt into cheers.

However, when the revelers saw the nun, the room went dead silent. She walked up to the bartender, and asked,'May I please use the restroom?

The bartender replied,'OK, but I should warn you that there is a statue of a naked man in there wearing only a fig leaf.'

'Well, in that case, I'll just look the other way,' said the nun. So the bartender showed the nun to the back of the restaurant.

After a few minutes, she came back out, and the whole place stopped just long enough to give the nun a loud round of applause.

She went to the bartender and said,'Sir, I don't understand. Why did they applaud for me just because I went to the restroom?'

Well, now they know you're one of us,' said the bartender,'Would you like a drink?'

'No thank you, but, I still don't understand,' said the puzzled nun.

'You see,' laughed the bartender,'every time someone lifts the fig leaf on that statue, the lights go out.

Now, how about that drink?'

 

[Euc-]

The husband leans over and asks his wife,'Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you.'

'Yes', she says,'I remember it well.'

'OK,' he says,'How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?'

'Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!'

A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble.

So he follows them.

The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks.. finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence.

The old lady lifts her skirt and the old

man drops his trousers.

As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in..

Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen.

This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises

and moaning and screaming.

Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.

The policeman is amazed.

He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know.

After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering,

the old couple struggles to their feet and puts their clothes back on.

The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself,

this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is.

So, as the couple passes, he says to them,

'Excuse me, but that was something else.

You must've had a fantastic sex life together.

Is there some sort of secret to this?'

Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply,

fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence.

 

[Euc-]

Dear Ma and Pa,


I am well. Hope you are. Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer the Army beats working for old man Minch by a mile. Tell them to join up quick before all of the places are filled.

I was restless at first because you get to stay in bed till nearly 6 a.m. But I am getting so I like to sleep late. Tell Walt and Elmer all you do before breakfast is smooth your cot, and shine some things. No hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, fire to lay. Practically nothing.

Men got to shave but it is not so bad, there's warm water. Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon, etc., but kind of weak on chops, potatoes, ham, steak, fried eggplant, pie and other regular food, but tell Walt and Elmer you can always sit by the two city boys that live on coffee. Their food, plus yours, holds you until noon when you get fed again. It's no wonder these city boys can't walk much.

We go on 'route marches,' which the platoon sergeant says are long walks to harden us. If he thinks so, it's not my place to tell him different. A 'route march' is about as far as to our mailbox at home. Then the city guys get sore feet and we all ride back in trucks.

The sergeant is like a school teacher. He nags a lot. The Captain is like the school board. Majors and colonels just ride around and frown. They don't bother you none.

This next will kill Walt and Elmer with laughing. I keep getting medals for shooting. I don't know why. The bulls-eye is near as big as a chipmunk head and don't move, and it ain't shooting at you like the Higgett boys at home. All you got to do is lie there all comfortable and hit it. You don't even load your own cartridges They come in boxes.

Then we have what they call hand-to-hand combat training. You get to wrestle with them city boys. I have to be real careful though, they break real easy. It ain't like fighting with that ole bull at home. I'm about the best they got in this except for that Tug Jordan from over in Silver Lake . I only beat him once.. He joined up the same time as me, but I'm only 5'6' and 130 pounds and he's 6'8' and near 300 pounds dry.

Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join before other fellers get onto this setup and come stampeding in.

Your loving daughter,

Alice.

 

[Euc-]

Ok, one more since it's so quiet..

----- A wife takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work. Her nine year old son comes home early, sees
them, and hides in the bedroom closet to watch. Unexpectedly, the woman's husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is already in there.

The little boy says,'Dark in here.'
The man says,'Yes, it is.'
Boy:'I have a baseball.'
Man:'That 's nice.'
Boy:'Want to buy it?'
Man:'No, thanks.'
Boy:'My Dad's outside.'
Man:'OK, how much?'
Boy:'$250.'

Weeks later, it happens that the boy and the lover find themselves in the closet again.

Boy:'Dark in here.'
Man:'Yes, it is.'
Boy:'I have a baseball glove'
The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy,'How much?'
Boy:'$750.'
Man:'Sold.'

A few days later, the Dad says to the boy,'Grab your glove, let's go outside and have a game of catch.'

The boy says,'I can't, I sold my baseball and my glove.'
The Dad asks,'How much did you sell them for?'
The boy says '$1,000.'
The Dad says,'That's terrible to rip off your friends like
that...that is way more than those two things cost. I'm taking you to
church, to confession'.

In church, the Dad makes sure the boy goes in to the confessional an
closes the door. The boy says; 'Dark in here.' The priest says; 'Don't start that shit again; you're in my closet now.'

 

[Banana72]

It was recently the anniversary of the death of the actor Leslie Nielson, who died in a hospital in Florida

It's a big building with doctors and patients, but that's not important right now......

Surely you can't be serious!