Jokes

[vocalneal]

I saw a dyslexic Yorkshireman the other day. He was wearing a cat flap ...

 

[Davita]

'Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully,' the divorce Court Judge said, 'and I've decided to give your wife $775 a week.'

'That's very fair, your honor,' the husband said. 'and every now and then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself.'

 

[Davita]

The graveside service just barely finished when there was tremendous bolt of lightning and a massive clap of thunder, followed by even more thunder rumbling in the distance...
The little old man looked at the pastor and calmly said, 'Well......she's arrived.'

 

[vocalneal]

Browsing through eBay and I saw someone had listed a bottle of Chinese Tippex.

The seller reckons its a corrector's item.

 

[vocalneal]

In Canada, there are two major political parties, the Liberals who are in power, and the Conservatives. This spring was quite cold in Ottawa, the nation's capital. The leader of the Conservative Party said that it was so cold that he saw a Liberal with his hands in his own pockets.

 

[Davita]

A group of 3rd, 4th, and 5th graders, accompanied by two female teachers, went on a field trip to the local racetrack to learn about thoroughbred horses.
When it was time to take the children to the bathroom it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other.
The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men's room when of them came out and told her that no-one could reach the urinal.
Having no choice, she went inside, helped the boys with their pants, and began hoisting them up one by one, holding on to their little 'wee-wees' to direct the flow.
As she lifted one little guy, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually well endowed. Trying not to show that she was staring, the teacher said,"You must be in the 5th grade."

"No ma'am" the jockey replied, "I'm riding Silver Arrow in the seventh race, but I appreciate your help."

 

[Davita]

I SAW A WOMAN SCANNING THE GUESTS AT A PARTY AND SHE SPOTTED ME STANDING ALONE.
"Hello, MY NAME IS CARMEN" SHE TOLD ME.
"THAT'S A BEAUTIFUL NAME," I REPLIED, "IS IT A FAMILY NAME?"
"NO," SHE REPLIED. "I GAVE IT TO MYSELF. IT REFLECTS THE THINGS I LIKE MOST----CARS & MEN."
"WHAT'S YOUR NAME?" SHE ASKED~~~

I SAID, "B.J. TITSENGOLF

 

[nosox]

She's single... She lives right across the street. I can see her place
from my kitchen window.

I watched as she got home from work this evening. I was surprised when
she walked across the street, up my driveway and knocked on the door.

I opened the door, she looked at me and said, "I just got home, and
I have this strong urge to have a good time, dance, get drunk, and get
laid tonight. Are you doing anything?"

I quickly replied, "Nope, I'm free!"
"Great," she said. "Can you watch my dog?"


Being a senior citizen, really sucks

 

[Davita]

My apologies to my American friends from Tennessee...

A judge was interviewing a Tennessee woman regarding her pending divorce and asks, "What are the grounds for your divorce?" "About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by."

"No," he said, "I mean what is the foundation of this case?" “It is made of concrete, brick, and mortar," she responded.

"I mean," he continued, "what are your relations like?" "I have an aunt and uncle and 12 cousins living here in town, as well as my husband's parents."

The judge took a deep breath and asked, "Do you have a real grudge?" "No, we have a two-car carport and have never really needed one coz we don't have a car."

"Please," he tried again, "is there any infidelity in your marriage?" "Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don't necessarily like the music - all that hip hop and rap trap - but we can't seem to do anything about it."

"Ma'am, does your husband ever beat you up?" "Yes, he gets up every morning before I do and makes the coffee."

The judge asked, "Is your husband a nagger?" "Oh, hell no, he's as white as you and me!"

Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, "Lady, why in hell do you want a divorce?

"Oh, I don't want a divorce," she replied. "I've never wanted a divorce, my husband does. The damn fool says he can't communicate with me."

 

[dafluff]

What concert costs 45 cents?






50 Cent featuring Nickelback

 

[dafluff]

Why did the scare crow get an award?



Cause he was out standing in his field.

 

[vocalneal]

• I'm not a fan of the new pound coin, but then again, I hate all change. Ken Cheng

• Trump’s nothing like Hitler. There’s no way he could write a book. Frankie Boyle

• I’ve given up asking rhetorical questions. What’s the point? Alexei Sayle

• I'm looking for the girl next door type. I'm just gonna keep moving house till I find her. Lew Fitz

• I like to imagine the guy who invented the umbrella was going to call it the 'brella'. But he hesitated. Andy Field

• Combine Harvesters. And you’ll have a really big restaurant. Mark Simmons

• I’m rubbish with names. It’s not my fault, it’s a condition. There’s a name for it but… Jimeoin

• I have two boys, 5 and 6. We’re no good at naming things in our house. Ed Byrne

• I wasn't particularly close to my dad before he died... which was lucky, because he trod on a land mine. Olaf Falafel

• Whenever someone says, 'I don't believe in coincidences.' I say, 'Oh my God, me neither!' Alasdair Beckett-King

• A friend tricked me into going to Wimbledon by telling me it was a men’s singles event. Angela Barnes

• As a vegan, I think people who sell meat are disgusting; but apparently people who sell fruit and veg are grocer. Adele Cliff

• For me dying is a lot like going camping. I don't want to do it. Phil Wang

• I wonder how many chameleons snuck onto the Ark. Adam Hess

• I went to a Pretenders gig. It was a tribute act. Tim Vine

 

[Theoros]

I was just digging through old hard drive archives and found a copy of this classic. The Bali reference compelled me to post it here.



In case you can't read that image here's a transcription:

- - - - - - - - - -

A Cork radio station was running a competition -- words that weren't in the dictionary yet could still be used in a sentence that would make logical sense. The prize was a trip to Bali.

DJ: "96FM here, what's your name?"

Caller: "Hi, me name's Dave."

DJ: "Dave, what's your word?"

Caller: "Goan... spelt G-O-A-N, pronounced 'go-an'."

DJ: "... You are correct, Dave, 'goan' is not in the dictionary. Now, for a trip to Bali: What sentence can you use that word in that would make sense?"

Caller: "Goan f**k yourself!"

The DJ cut the caller short and took other calls, all unsuccessful until:

DJ: "96FM, what's your name?"

Caller: "Hi, me name's Jeff."

DJ: "Jeff, what's your word?"

Caller: "Smee... spelt S-M-E-E, pronounced 'smee'."

DJ: "... You are correct, Jeff, 'smee' is not in the dictionary. Now, for a trip to Bali: What sentence can you use that word in that would make sense?"

Caller: "Smee again! Goan f**k yourself!"

 

[vocalneal]

Why is skydiving not really popular in Bali? It's a Hindu thing. Not many people saying "What the hell, you only live once?"

 

[Davita]

Letter from daughter....

Dearest Dad,
I am coming home to get married soon, so get your check book out. I'm in love with a boy who is far away from me.
As you know, I'm in Australia ... and he lives in Scotland. We met on a dating website, became friends on Facebook,
had long chats on WhatsApp. He proposed to me on Skype, and now we've had two months of a relationship through Viber.
My beloved Dad, I need your blessing, good wishes and a really big wedding.

Lots of love,
Your favorite daughter,
Lilly


Response from dad....

My Dear Lilly,
Like Wow! Really? Cool!
Whatever...Like... I suggest you two get married on Twitter, have fun on Tango, buy your kids on Amazon and pay for it all through PayPal.
And when you get fed up with this new husband, sell him on eBay.

Love,
Your Dad

 

[fastpitch17]

Dear Mother,
First off, I want you to know I miss you very much. I know you didn't think this was a good time for me to travel but you are always with me. I love you so much.
Mom, I have seemed to gotten myself in a bit of a jam. I seemed to have mis calculated my finances and won't be able to last more than a month now. I am hoping this letter reaches you and you can reply in time. I know you lent me the money I thought I will need but somehow, I don't know, I must have forgotten the expense for the return home. Please, can you send me enough funds so I can return home? I miss you so much.
Your loving Son.

Dear Son,
It was so good to hear from you. It has been three months and I had been worried sick if you were returning or not. I missed you just as much as you missed me it seems. I do love you and hope you can get your problems sorted out. I would be hapoy to help in the best way I can. I too hope this reply reaches you in time. Please, just do the best you can.
Your loving Mother

ps, I was going to put the money in the envelope with this letter but it seems that I had already sealed it.

 

[William King]

The judge asked, "Is your husband a nagger?" "Oh, hell no, he's as white as you and me!"

why in the hell do you even need that in the joke ? It does not add anything.

 

[Davita]

why in the hell do you even need that in the joke ? It does not add anything.

If all you can do is scavenge around my posts so you can disagree with everything I say I have a better idea...put me on your 'ignore posts from this member' list.

 

[William King]

If you cannot see anything wrong with the use of probably the worst racial slur that can be used in a weak "joke' that does not even require use of said slur then your moral compass is completely lacking.

 

[Davita]

If your disagreement was this once I might pay you some attention but, as you want to disagree with nearly every post I make, I will treat you as my stalker. Just please put me on your ignore list and do us all a favour.