Jokes

[William King]

certainly traumatic.

 

[vocalneal]

Police have found a bomb in a tin of alphabet spaghetti, they have said if it had gone off, it could have spelt disaster.

 

[vocalneal]

Meanwhile in a parallel universe: “Oh for God’s sake! Where are all these extra single socks coming from?!”

 

[Davita]

A New York attorney representing a wealthy art collector called and asked to speak to his client, "So listen, Fred, I have some good news and I have some
bad news."

The art collector replied, "I've had an awful day; let's hear the good news first."

The lawyer said, "Well, I met with your wife today, and she informed me that she invested $5,000 in two pictures that she thinks will bring a minimum
of $15-20 million. I think she could be right."

Fred replied enthusiastically, "Well done! My wife is a brilliant business woman! You've just made my day. Now I know I can handle the bad news. What is it?"

The lawyer replied, "The pictures are of you and your secretary."

 

[vocalneal]

Groan:

Wondering just how many sheep he currently has grazing in his field, the farmer asks his sheepdog to go out and count them.

The dog runs into the field, counts them, and then runs back to his master.

“So,” asks the farmer, “How many sheep are there?”

“40,” replies the dog.

“What? How can there be 40?!” exclaims the farmer. “I only bought 38!”

“I know,” says the dog. “But I rounded them up.”

 

[vocalneal]

At a news conference the journalist said to the politician, "Your secretary has said publicly that you have a small penis. Would you care to comment on this?" "The truth is," replied the politician, "that she has a very big mouth."

 

[vocalneal]

Al Jazeera?

How come they never play any music from the Jazzera?

 

[vocalneal]

A man dies and goes to Hell.

The devil greets him, "You may choose which room you wish to enter. Whichever you choose, the person in that room will switch with you. They'll go to heaven and you'll take over until somebody switches with you. So go on, pick a room."

The devil leads him to the first room where an old man is tied to a wall and is being whipped by an equally old man . The second room has someone being burned by a torch. The third has a diseased ridded old man getting blown by a beautiful naked woman.

"I choose this room!" the man says.

"Very well," the devil says. He walks up to the woman and taps her on the shoulder.

"You can go now. I've found you're replacement."

(A different twist on the old barrel joke?)

 

[vocalneal]

What’s the difference between an outlaw and an in-law?

Outlaws are wanted.

 

[vocalneal]

My dad always said "The first rule of theatre is to always leave them wanting more",

Great bloke..

Terrible anaesthetist

 

[Davita]

I pride myself on my ability to embellish boring stories to make them more amusing.... so this is my answering service.....
"Hello, you've reached Davita....I'm either making deals worth millions of dollars, or appearing on CNN to debate if Trump will be the worst president ever, or taking a nap. Please leave a message and I'll return your call when I wake-up!"

 

[vocalneal]

A mortician was working late one night.

He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz,
about to be cremated,
and made a startling discovery.
Schwartz had the largest private part
he had ever seen!

'I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz,' the mortician
commented, 'I can't allow you to be cremated
with such an impressive private part.
It must be saved for posterity.'

So, he removed it,
stuffed it into his briefcase,
and took it home.

'I have something to show
you won't believe,' he said to his wife,
opening his briefcase.




'My God!' the wife exclaimed,
'Schwartz is dead?'

 

[vocalneal]

 

[Vanhelsing]

 

[Anglian]

A policeman stops a car, to his surprise there are 27 penguins inside, I would take these to the Zoo said the policeman, OK, said the driver and off he went, a couple of days later the policeman stops the car again, inside 27 penguins, I thought I told you to take these penguins to a zoo, I did said the man, took them yesterday, today we are going to see a movie

 

[vocalneal]

I asked my missus to polish my medieval battle uniform while I went down the pub.
She always said she wanted a night in, shining armour.

 

[Anglian]

A Scotsman turned up at the pearly gates, St Peter said, Buger off, if you think we are doing porridge for one you can forget it

 

[Davita]

St. Peter was guarding the Pearly Gates, waiting for new souls coming to heaven. He saw Jesus walking by and caught his attention. "Jesus, could you mind the gate while I go do an errand?"
"Sure," replied Jesus. "What do I have to do?"
"Just find out about the people who arrive. Ask about their background, their family, and their lives. Then decide if they deserve entry into Heaven."
"Sounds easy enough. OK."
The first person to approach the gates was a wrinkled old man. Jesus peered at the old man and asked, "What did you do for a living?"
The old man replied, "I was a carpenter."

Jesus remembered his own earthly existence and leaned forward. "Did you have any family?" he asked.
"Yes, I had a son, but I lost him."
Jesus leaned forward some more. "You lost your son? Can you tell me about him?"
"Well, he had holes in his hands and feet."

Jesus leaned forward even more and whispered, "Father?"

The old man leaned forward and whispered, "Pinocchio?"

Blame Anglian...he started these pearly gate jokes.

 

[fastpitch17]

Husband wakes to his wife making giddy noises in here sleep. He awakens her and tells her of the noises she was making and asked why. She proceeded to tell him that she was dreaming of being in a room full of large, hard and very erect erect penises. The husband asked, "was my penis at the party?" "Oh, yes," the wife replied. "The party couldn't happen without you there." "Really'" the husband replied proudly. "Yes," she said, we needed a bartender. The husband suddenly felt a bit disappointed.

The next morning the wife awoke the husband as he was now making giddy little noises in his sleep. "What were you dreaming about," she asked. "Oh babe," he replied. "You wouldn't believe what I was dreaming of. I was in this great hall with hundreds of the most beautiful vaginas all around me. "Really," she replied. "Was my vagina there," she asked? "Hell yes," the husband replied. "It could never happen without your presence." "Thant's so nice," the wife told him. "Do you mean mine was the most pretty one," the wife added? "Ah, actually," the husband explained. "Yours was the grand hall we had the party in."

The third morning when they woke up they didn't hear a sound since they now had separate bedrooms.

 

[vocalneal]

4 Romanian UK asylum seekers showed up at the pearly gates, asking for admission. St. Peter had never seen any Romanians and didn't know quite what to do. "Wait here," he said, "I have to go consult."

He hurried to the Throne. "Lord," he said, "There are 4 Romanians standing at the pearly gates. What do I do?" God said, "True, it is an unusual situation. But just give them the standard morality test, and admit the highest scores."

St. Peter headed back to his post.

A minute later, he came running back to the Throne. "They're gone! They're gone!" he shouted. "Do you mean to say all 4 of them just up and left?" God asked. "No, no!" said Peter. "It's the pearly gates! They're gone!