Jokes

[vocalneal]

once there was a guy named Joe. One day he died and found himself standing in front of the pearly gates.

St. Peter: "Joe, if you can answer one question, I'll let you into heaven." Joe: "sounds easy enough."

St. Peter: "ok, who is with you always?"

Joe: "O, that's easy: Andy!"

St. Peter: "Andy?"

Joe: "Yeah, haven't you heard that hymn ‘Andy walks with me, Andy talks with me?’"

 

[William King]

I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don't know what he laced them with but I was tripping all day...

 

[Anglian]

A Scotsman died went up to the pearly gates, ST Peter said, You can buger off, we aren't doing porridge for one

 

[vocalneal]

Following the tragic death of the Human Cannonball at the State Fair, a spokesman said “We’ll struggle to get another man of the same calibre.”

 

[Pimpin]

My girlfriend asked me, "If you could know how and when you would die, would you want to know"? I said, "No". She replied, "Ok forget it then".

 

[Anglian]

Oh please god let me win the lottery this week, saturday night, no win, the next week, oh please god let me win the lottery, same again no win, the third week pleaded with God again, please please let me win the lottery, any on the 4th week he said look god I've prayed every week and and yo just don't let me win, a deep voice answered, Buy a bloody ticket

 

[Anglian]

My father died in Belson
Very sorry to hear that said the Rabi,
Yes, he fell out of a watch tower

 

[vocalneal]

Oh please god let me win the lottery this week, saturday night, no win, the next week, oh please god let me win the lottery, same again no win, the third week pleaded with God again, please please let me win the lottery, any on the 4th week he said look god I've prayed every week and and yo just don't let me win, a deep voice answered, Buy a bloody ticket

Originally about a Jewish guy. The punchline read. " a deep voice answered, Hymie meet me half way, at least buy a bloody ticket"

 

[vocalneal]

For any Brits out there?

Now he’s dead, they’re making a film of Eddie Stobart’s life story. I’ve just seen the trailer.


For non Brits the explanation is here.

 

[dafluff]

I was stuck in traffic in Jakarta the other day near the Semanggi interchange, when suddenly some guys knocked on my window.

I asked what he wanted, and one of them said, "There are terrorists inside the DPR building. They have taken all the members hostage and are threatening to douse them with gasoline and burn them. We're looking for help!".

"What can I do ?" I asked him urgently.

"They need more gasoline!".

 

[Davita]

Reost #130
How many trips to the gas station did you make...:lol: ...hehehe.....come on dafluff...confess...you just made that after reading about the systemic corruption over the eKTP right.

 

[Davita]

The light turned yellow just in front of him. He did the right thing and stopped his car at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection.
The tailgating woman behind him was furious and honked her horn, screaming in frustration, and giving the finger as she missed her chance to get through the intersection. As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer.
The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up. He took her to the police station where she was searched, fingerprinted, photographed and placed in a holding cell.
After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the door. She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects.

He said, "I'm very sorry for this mistake ma'am. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, giving the guy in front of you the finger and cursing at him. I noticed the 'What Would Jesus Do' bumper sticker, the 'Choose Life' license plate holder, the 'Follow Me to Sunday-School' bumper sticker, and the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk, so, naturally......I assumed you had stolen the car."

 

[vocalneal]

I had a dog named Minton who had an unfortunate habit of eating shuttlecocks.

Bad minton.

 

[vocalneal]

Two men are in a pub. One says to his mate 'My mother-in-law is an angel'. The reply from his friend...... 'You're so fcuking lucky... Mine's still alive...'

 

[Davita]

Three old ladies were sitting on a park bench when a flasher came by. One old lady immediately had a stroke, the next old lady also had a stroke but the third old lady just couldn't reach.

 

[vocalneal]

 

[vocalneal]

 

[vocalneal]

 

[vocalneal]

Two fellows were sitting in a coffee shop, when suddenly the town’s fire alarm went off.

One of them jumped up and headed for the door.

His friend shouted,

"Hey, Tom, I didn’t know you were a fireman!"

Tom replied,







"I’m not, but my girlfriend’s husband is. . . ."

 

[vocalneal]