Domestic violence, need advice/opinion

[Matoa]

Hi All.

Obviously most are lucky to avoid the added complication of mental illness when in romantic relationships here, or at least to a reasonable degree.

I am relatively fine, aside from the scratch marks my wife left me on my forehead after I made the big error of changing my phone pin. Yesterday she attacked me for following a female owned instagram account and proceeded to harrass and probably scare the ig account owner by false accusations that we were having an affair.

This stuff is terrifying quite aside from normal times or having to think about important documents that need securing when a partner goes off the rails and threatens to damage the apartment. But with lockdown it becomes a regular occurrence and my wife has brandished knifes or tried to twice in just two days.

I tried to get her help but it is so tough during covid and online help is not great and the issue with certain mental conditions is that they think they are correct and you are lying to them or whatever... difficult enough in the most optimum environment but here a task that is perhaps insurmountable.

I am safe, having retreated to a hotel, and a promise to myself to never go back, but I wonder if anyone else has experienced the slightly paranoid turn into full blown aggressive psychosis or how the hell you dealt with it. Many joke about it, but when knives are brandished it becomes another matter entirely.

It's scary when you want to live a normal life.

Dan

 

[Balifrog]

Many joke about it, but when knives are brandished it becomes another matter entirely.

Well, you should re-read your post, sit back, take a deep breath and think rationally about your next MOVE.

PS : Only one girl, long time ago, not even a long term relation, pulled a knife on me. She learned the hard way never to do that. And the next morning she was in the street.

Seriously, if there are no kids (YOURS I mean), move on.
No women is worth that kind.of hassle, and blaming it on the lockdown is too easy.
And BTW, it's not only Indo's. All Asian women LOVE drama. If you don't stop it from day 1, it will only get worse.

Good luck !

 

[HappyMan]

I couldn't make it work, man. By the time the violence had mostly stopped (sometime after our child was born and after at least three years of furious, violent, tantrums) there wasn't much of love left in the marriage. We were still married, but I went around pretending I was some sort of awesome guy for putting up with her (I am also an asshole), and she shunned me like I was the one who had been hitting her. She would do all these things to let me know that my mere presence was a burden... I can't explain, because the examples would sound benign, but if you have ever watched a group of adolescents trying to make someone feel unwelcome... it was like that, every day. I would occasionally get fed up with it and complain, which would inevitably lead to a long argument, during which she would lose it and start breaking stuff and hurting herself while I ego tripped off being reasonable and just wanting her to "control yourself, dammit, the neighbors are going to think I'm beating you".

Now, when it has all ended (after 11 years of marriage), the thing that bothers me the most is all the years I spent thinking things would miraculously get better if I just suffered through it long enough (without really making much of an effort to fix things). She had every right to want to to look for her own happiness, so I'm not that angry about the infidelity, but it meant that all those years when I had also been unhappily, but faithfully, married were wasted time, time I could have spent building a different life (perhaps with some other person in some other part of the world).

I don't know if you have kids, but if you don't, then you are lucky to get out of the whole damned thing before you are tied to her permanently. While I am sure you have your own faults, nobody deserves to be assaulted by their lover, and even defending yourself from such an assault is not a burden you should have to bear. I know you must be very unhappy now, seeing a once bright future shattered like a stained glass window, but you should take comfort in your decision to end things with her instead of wasting even more of your life in pain. You could have spent another ten years putting up with this shit just to reach the same ending.

*Addit: I know this post all reads a bit like me saying "I had it worse", but I'm really hoping that you'll take me seriously when I say that I wish I had made the decision you have, and left her many years ago.

 

[Jaime C]

No reason to stick around if there is violence. If you have no kids, you’re lucky. Get out, get a divorce, or whatever you need to do.

Some people are taught that they have to create a scene to get their way.

My first wife hit me once. It’s not something I will tolerate. She never did it again. I didn’t hit her, in retaliation, either.

 

[dafluff]

Sorry to hear you are having issues with your wife. Others have already given excellent suggestions.

I'm just wondering why the thread title is "Psychotic locals" when the issue seems to be between you and your wife.

 

[Bad_azz]

Glad you got out relatively unscathed & are safe.
A relationship that involves violence or other abuse is toxic and is unlikely to improve much unless the underlying cause of the protagonist's abusive behaviour is addressed.
"We" can't 'fix' them no matter how much we think we can or should.

 

[Matoa]

Many thanks for all the replies. Very helpful. Luckily no kids. As for the title, perhaps because I have heard of this phenomenon in this part of the world far more times than in the west. Why? Perhaps randomly or perhaps because there are some cultural factors that make it a relatively common experience in SE Asia.

 

[El_Goretto]

Best thing to do is to walk away.

My story is surprisingly similar to @HappyMan except that I do have a child but the situation was becoming so unbearable that I had walk out. Left everything to my ex and my child so that he's set till he's an adult at least and send him money every month. Meanwhile I'm starting from scratch but without guilt.

I do disagree with your title though.

I am happily married to the most wonderful, generous, calm and stable woman now. Total opposite from my past life.

 

[gemima]

Many thanks for all the replies. Very helpful. Luckily no kids. As for the title, perhaps because I have heard of this phenomenon in this part of the world far more times than in the west. Why? Perhaps randomly or perhaps because there are some cultural factors that make it a relatively common experience in SE Asia.

I'm so sorry this has happened - physical violence is just completely unacceptable - and completely unambiguous (mental stuff can be harder to pin down sometimes esp when you are in the middle of it). I'm sure there have been loads of red flags on the way to where you are now. You say you tried to get her help - but people usually only respond to help they seek out for themselves and doesn't seem like she wants to help herself right now (also mental health services here are probably awful).
You need to get the hell out of the place (which you have done - good first step!). Don't go back (which you could do now...so be careful). You have no kids so you can just get out without any ongoing relationship with the woman.
I also think your title is not really acceptable - there are crazy people everywhere, its less easy to get help here so maybe that's why it seems to be more prevalent in SE Asia.

 

[Dharma Police]

To save yourself a lot of money, look into renting a kosan. You're going to need it if divorce is imminent. Also, if you go back to get some things and she's home, have your phone ready to video an attack. You will want evidence beyond the "he said, she said" variety. Just get the proof while you're far from her reach.

 

[Hawk256]

From my personal experience, Asian women do not seem to be more prone to drama than woman in the West just more prone to drama that could be considered extreme. There are always exceptions and it by no means covers all Asian women.

With any relationship some will always push boundaries and if those boundaries aren't clearly set early in the relationship, then there is a greater risk of problems. Once that line is crossed, it's not likely to get any better. Each person has a tolerance for what they are willing to tolerate and it can vary greatly from person to person. Once the level of violence has reached what you described, there is no good or safe way to go forward. Unless you are prepared to be looking over your shoulder or sleeping with one eye open for the rest of your life, it's time to move on.

My personal story involves a Chinese girlfriend. We had been together for a while and she started acting strangely in general and very, very possessive. One night she was tracing my stomach with her finger and I asked her what she was thinking, her reply "I'm just wondering what the inside of you looks like." It wasn't a language issue or mistranslation, she spoke fluent English. That combined with her other strange behavior set off a major alarm bell. I left the next day and she proceeded to stalk me and my friends (to try and get to me) for the better part of 3 years. I don't mean minor stalking either, I mean law enforcement involved levels of stalking. I still, after all the years expect her to pop up one day. I can only imagine how things might have been if I had stayed with her longer.

 

[Matoa]

Lots of sad and strange stories. I may end up writing a book about this at a much later date, as a means of dealing with it. I wish everyone calm and enjoyable lives.

 

[Balifrog]

During my years of living / working in Asia I have sadly seen a LOT of Western / Local women drama.
Of course usually the Western man is a bit ignorant and a dreamer, or a bit too fast to marry.
Have seen it in South Korea, Thailand, Vietnam, Cambodia, and a "global view" of it in HKG, as it is a melting pot of Asian cultures.
Oh, and in my short 4 years here in Bali, I have already seen 2 run into problems.
Personally the only problems I ran into were with short / medium term relationships, and each time I put a swift end to it.
I have never seen that kind of drama in my country.
But yes, as mentioned in a previous post, setting CLEAR limits, and be clear (and very firm) about what you expect from the relationship, on subjects like culture, religion, house organisation, relations with her family, money, food, the bed, etc ...
Don't dream "love" is the answer to the daily shit in life, that will soon show its limits.
If the relationship (living together) works, you can marry, and likely love will come later. But not under a "dream" or "teenager love" form.

Disclaimer :

• 1st life in France, 7 years, never married, 1 kid, we separated on good terms and still talk on the phone or W.A.
• 2nd life in Thailand, married (at 40) because without being married travelling together for the job would be close to impossible. Broke up after about 13 years because she went the wrong path. 3 kids, all grown up and independant now. Seldom in contact, whatever happens to her I dont really care. Note she was Western educated, fluent French, so that is not really a criteria.
• 3rd life started in HKG where I met my actual companion (she 43, me 60 at the time). Still together after 8 years, never married, no kids, livestyle is 100% western (all discussed and agreed upon before letting her move in). Still together.

Would like it to last as (under a wild tiger skin) she is a good person, and as at 68 I feel a bit old to go back on the hunt again ....
Conclusion : would I ever recommend a western friend to marry an Asian ? NO. And if he insist I will try to make sure he does it being aware of all the traps.

Before you ask, I am not bitter, angry or jaded. Just a bit "blasé" as we say in French.
All the best to the OP. Don't know your age, but it's never too late for a fresh start.

 

[Helpful Herbert]

I don't think psychotic is the correct title for this thread. Someone who is psychotic is someone who has delusions, hallucinations and has trouble communicating with others (during the psychotic episode). For example, anti-psychotic drugs will reduce or stop the hallucinations.

This thread seems to be more about couples who cannot resolve cultural, religious and economic differences, and this manifests itself in violence or other unwelcome behaviour. I would suggest this behaviour can probably be traced back to problems in childhood, not that that is an excuse.

 

[Puspawarna]

This is a sad thread, but I'm glad to see a common sentiment among posters to fight stereotyping. No culture or gender deserves to be saddled with that.

 

[snpark]

When is she posting her version?
Anyway I watched Mr and Mrs Smith. Maybe it was erotic foreplay?
Pass the salt please honey

 

[Balifrog]

This is a sad thread, but I'm glad to see a common sentiment among posters to fight stereotyping. No culture or gender deserves to be saddled with that.

Real live is not always rosy, as clearly shown by real cases in this thread.

Stereotyping ? Not really IMHO.

 

[dafluff]

Moderation Note: The thread title was changed to better reflect the content of the thread.

 

[Bad_azz]

Real live is not always rosy, as clearly shown by real cases in this thread.

Stereotyping ? Not really IMHO.

The abuse I have suffered has been at the hands of Western men... so let's leave the sterotyping out.
there are good & bad in all.

 

[atlantis]

The abuse I have suffered has been at the hands of Western men... so let's leave the sterotyping out.
there are good & bad in all.

Total support to your statement, BA.

Femicide in France: The Severity of the Domestic Violence Issue

France is just recently aware of the severity of domestic violence and femicide in its country, with an increasing amount of women who have been killed by a former partner.

givingcompass.org

"At least 219,000 French women each year suffer some form of violence at the hands of an intimate partner, according to the National Observatory for Violence Against Women."

Domestic violence is certainly not a monopoly of Asian men or women, not even the norm, not even the fact of a majority or the fact of a strong minority. I wouldn't deny it doesn't exist here but I certainly wouldn't deny that domestic physical and psychological abuse isn't rare in the western world.

France Is in Denial About Domestic Violence

The country’s culture of seduction has enabled an epidemic of misogynist crime.

foreignpolicy.com

"In 2019, 146 women were killed by an intimate partner in France, making it one of the more dangerous countries for women in Europe, behind Northern Ireland and Germany."