Jokes

[harryopal1]

This is a story I found this morning on the Travel.com website. It isn't a joke but it is funny. It was part of a review for a famous old restaurant in Melbourne called, "The Waiter's Club". If talked of the history of the place and then came to this:

"It was here that in 1978, after all, that a 19-year-old man, Amos Atkinson, burst into the then Waiter's Club, armed with a sawn-off shotgun. He barricaded himself and about 20 other staff and patrons inside, demanding the release of his hero, the notorious Mark "Chopper" Read. "I was gripped by fear after [he] shot into the door frame but after that it became a waiting game," declared one of the hostages, sans irony.

• The Age's legendary crime reporter and author, wrote that Atkinson had said if Read was not released within 24 hours he would start killing his captives. But he "lost interest" after four hours when his mother, a regular diner at the Waiter's Club, arrived to act as a go-between.
  
  "She walked up the stairs in her dressing gown, ending the tense stand-off by hitting her son on the head with her handbag while telling him to stop being stupid. He then released his captives and surrendered," Silvester says.
  
  
  

 

[waarmstrong]

Probably had a brick in her hand bag.

 

[vocalneal]

I used to eat/chat with an Italian guy in Brazil. He had a restaurant there and had also run a restaurant in London. Claimed he had invented penis shaped pasta but that is a different story.

I got the impression he had a "past"! He told me the best "casual" weapon is a hammer in a shopping bag. Buy a hammer, keep the receipt in the bag, carry the bag by holding the hammer handle through the bag. Honestly officer I just bought the hammer and am on my way home! Bonus? After walloping someone the hammer is still clean.

 

[R Cameron]

I used to eat/chat with an Italian guy in Brazil. He had a restaurant there and had also run a restaurant in London. Claimed he had invented penis shaped pasta but that is a different story.

I got the impression he had a "past"! He told me the best "casual" weapon is a hammer in a shopping bag. Buy a hammer, keep the receipt in the bag, carry the bag by holding the hammer handle through the bag. Honestly officer I just bought the hammer and am on my way home! Bonus? After walloping someone the hammer is still clean.

Hope they don't notice the date on the receipt is from 6 months ago!

I've heard similar stories/rumors that in some places in the US carrying just a baseball bat in your car can be considered a weapon, so always have a baseball and/or glove.

A belt that slides out quickly and has a heavy belt buckle could make a pretty effective weapon.

 

[vocalneal]

Hope they don't notice the date on the receipt is from 6 months ago!

That is whole point! The receipt has to be recent.

 

[macvert]

Hope they don't notice the date on the receipt is from 6 months ago!

I've heard similar stories/rumors that in some places in the US carrying just a baseball bat in your car can be considered a weapon, so always have a baseball and/or glove.

A belt that slides out quickly and has a heavy belt buckle could make a pretty effective weapon.

would a baseball cap worn backwards suffice?

think I'll go with the golfer's beret & steel pipe walking stick

 

[vocalneal]

An explosion last week killed a wild-living navy boiler man and he found himself in hell. Being used to stoking fires and extremely hot temperatures, he found hell actually quite comfortable.
When Satan went to check out the new arrival, he found him sitting in his room smiling.
“You like this?” Satan asked.
“Yes, sir,” said the sailor, “this feels like a spring day to me.”
Not wanting the new guy to be too comfortable, Satan turned up the heat a bit. When he went back the next day to see how his new arrival was doing, the sailor was still happy; he hadn’t even broken a sweat.
“I like this kind of weather,” he told Satan.
For the next few days, Satan turned up the heat more and more, but each day the Sailor looked as comfortable as ever. By Sunday, Satan decided to try something different. Rather than turn up the heat even more, he turned it off and turned on the air conditioning. Icicles formed in the sailor’s room! When he checked on the guy, the room was icy and he was shivering, but he had a grin from ear to ear, bigger than ever.
Satan was exasperated! “Why are YOU so happy?” he demanded from the sailor. “It’s FREEZING in here!”
“Well, I’m from Boston,” said the sailor, “and evidently the Red Sox just won the World Series!”

 

[waarmstrong]

It would be more current if the joke were updated to have the sailor hail from Philly.

 

[vocalneal]

Six old retired guys are sat playing poker at Gary’s house one night when Rocco loses 600 bucks on a single hand. At the shock of this he clutches his chest and then drops dead from a heart attack.
Tony asks, “Who’s going to go and tell the situation to his wife?”
None of them want this horrible job so they finally decide to cut the pack, and lowest card loses and has to go tell her.
Ronald draws a three and loses so he’s the one who has to go and break the bad news. The others tell him to be discreet and gentle so as not to make a bad situation even worse.
Ronald says, “Discreet? I’m the most discreet person you’ll ever meet – discretion is my middle name. Leave it to me, not a problem.”
He drives over to Rocco’s house and knocks on the door. Rocco’s wife answers and asks Ronald what he wants.
Ronald replies, “I’m sorry to have to tell you this but your husband just lost 600 bucks playing cards and is afraid to come home. He’s asked me to come over here and apologize to you.”
Rocco’s wife goes crazy and screams, ” You tell him I said drop dead!”
Ronald doesn’t bat an eyelid and says, “Ok, I’ll go tell him.”

 

[Davita]

A couple were sitting on the couch contemplating the 'good old days'.

Wife commented " Remember when your mom would give you a dollar and send you to get groceries. You'd come back with 6 eggs, a loaf of bread, a bag of potatoes and a carton of milk...you cannot do that these days!"

"Yup...you're right!" sighed her husband "too many security cameras!"

 

[Davita]

Two elderly sisters, driving across Nevada, decided they were tired and should rest a few hours before continuing their trip. They pulled into a motel and went to their room for a few hours sleep.
Completely rested they came to reception to find a bill for $350.
Questioning the manager he explained...."We have an Olympic sized pool you could have used. Last night we promoted a steak dinner with free-flow wine. The entertainment came from Las Vegas and was very good."
One sister said they didn't partake of any of that and they only had a few hours sleep.

"But you could have!' responded the efficient manager.

The other sister reluctantly pulled out her check-book and signed a check.
"This is only for fifty bucks!' yelled the manager.
Sister responded "We charged you $300 for having sex with both of us last night."
"But I didn't!" bristled the manager.

"But you could have!" laughed the sisters as they pulled out of the parking lot.

 

[IndoTom]

Three blonds in a car. Who's driving?

 

[dafluff]

A woman is sitting at her deceased husband’s funeral. A man leans in to her and asks, “Do you mind if I say a word?”.
“No, go right ahead”, the woman replies.
The man stands, clears his throat, says “Plethora”, and sits back down.
“Thanks”, the woman says, “that means a lot”

 

[Davita]

True story.
Yesterday was my wife's 60th birthday.
Taking a shower in preparation to going to the big birthday bash she asked "Do you think my birthday suit needs ironing?" I looked at her in the shower and decided, as it was her day, to compliment said " No dear, your skin is flawless...nary a wrinkle!"
"I meant my dress for the party needs ironing you idjet...give it to the maid!" she yelled.

Can we guys ever get it right?

 

[Davita]

I've always wondered if that blue pill really works...now I have absolute evidence it does.....

 

[vocalneal]

Another radio transcript.

This is the transcript of a radio conversation of a US naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October, 1995. Radio conversation released by the Chief of Naval Operations 10-10-95.
Americans: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision.
Canadians: Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.
Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.
Canadians: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course.
Americans: This is the aircraft carrier USS Lincoln, the second largest ship in the United States' Atlantic fleet. We are accompanied by three destroyers, three cruisers and numerous support vessels. I demand that YOU change your course 15 degrees north, that's one five degrees north, or countermeasures will be undertaken to ensure the safety of this ship.
Canadians: This is a lighthouse. Your call.

 

[Davita]

When I posted 255 and 256 the pictures were clear...even 255 was clear last night when I posted 256. Now all I see is a thumbnail pic and IMG
What happened?

 

[vocalneal]

Must be something to do with how you are uploading them or hosting them. Pictures of yours from other threads have also disappeared.

 

[Davita]

Must be something to do with how you are uploading them or hosting them. Pictures of yours from other threads have also disappeared.

Thanks vocalneal...all I did was copy/paste.....but strangely....they're back as pics again.
Too soon..back as thumbnails. wierd....and now they are back again. I give up!

I tried the post-pics image method and now I have 2 pictures on the same post which completely spoiled the joke so I deleted my post 256 completely.
My 255 still has the original pic but who knows when it'll disappear again.

 

[macvert]

I usually just drag & drop straight from my PC , then I get the choice to insert as a thumbnail or a full image so I hit "Full Image"
By habit, if I need an image from the net I save it to my desktop first & then drag & drop instead of hitting the "Insert Image" (straight from the net) button..... Seems to work efficiently.