Cross Cultural Marriage Blues

[Dan]

In about two-and-a-half weeks my wife and two daughters will be going back home to Aceh for 8 months. It was the right time, my oldest daughter is going to start kindergarten next year so this was the last chance for a long-term stay without having to seriously change schools or interrupt their lives. The bad part? I'm not going with them. I have to stay here and work.

I knew before I got married to my wife that a cross cultural marriage would be challenging, but there were some things I hadn't fully considered. Our family cannot live in both Indonesia and the United States at the same time, where do we go so that our relatives can be a major part of our children's lives? Where do we live so that our children can decide what identity they want to be a part of?

It hasn't really been a challenge of cultural perceptions, just a challenge of geography. I desperately want to go with them, I'd love to just set my roots back down there now. But it's just not possible right now, I bought a house, I bought a car. My parents need me more than ever, and they need their grandchildren, too. Our long term plan is to retire there, but I just couldn't earn anywhere near as much working in Indonesia and if I did it would probably be in a place I'd hate to live (Jakarta).

Sometimes all of this really gets me down. Sometimes I really feel like I made the wrong decision to come back home. How do the rest of you cope with distance if you experience it? Has anyone else had to make a big change to really feel happy?

 

[William King]

In about two-and-a-half weeks my wife and two daughters will be going back home to Aceh for 8 months. It was the right time, my oldest daughter is going to start kindergarten next year so this was the last chance for a long-term stay without having to seriously change schools or interrupt their lives. The bad part? I'm not going with them.

I knew before I got married to my wife that a cross cultural marriage would be challenging, but there were some things I hadn't fully considered. Our family cannot live in both Indonesia and the United States at the same time, where do we go so that our relatives can be a major part of our children's lives? Where do we live so that our children can decide what identity they want to be a part of?

It hasn't really been a challenge of cultural perceptions, just a challenge of geography. I desperately want to go with them, I'd love to just set my roots back down there now. But it's just not possible right now, I bought a house, I bought a car. My parents need me more than ever, and they need their grandchildren, too. Our long term plan is to retire there, but I just couldn't earn anywhere near as much working in Indonesia and if I did it would probably be in a place I'd hate to live (Jakarta).

Sometimes all of this really gets me down. Sometimes I really feel like I made the wrong decision to come back home. How do the rest of you cope with distance if you experience it? Has anyone else had to make a big change to really feel happy?

I cannot do it. It's hard. All the best.

 

[Anglian]

Wow, Dan what a bummer, I hope you can resolve your problem, I've been here 18 years now with a great wife and daughter, I don't think my wife would settle into England too well, the humour and bluntness would upset her,plus the weather is crap,we did consider retiring to Australia, but again Javanese are a bit sensitive, so I'm here, things have changed here, but they don't really effect me, I have some good friends here so no point in going back to England, I suppose my big change is staying here, my command of bahasa indonesian is pathetic, but I get by, I sinercly hope you can resolve you problem, best wishes for the future,life has a way of sorting thing out

 

[fastpitch17]

Dan, I understand it is hard for you and told myself when you left that it was really surprising with your love for Ache. I thought you could work that out but still, the health of your family in the states must have weighed larger.

What is wrong with educating your children in the US? I think they would benefit from it and while there will be a time you can move back, they will still be in a good position to go to school here again.

So what, you get stuck in Jakarta for awhile. Your ties to Ache will work for your benefit and get you back there. Sure, you make less but it cost a lot less too. Trust me, I know this for a fact. It can easily be done.

Sorry, I can't see you apart from your family. You can't spend your life waiting for things to happen with other people.

 

[Daniel50]

I don't really have any words of wisdom I know some people choose to stay in there home country and the spouse adjusts over time. Also, with children once they start putting down roots it can be a big factor in deciding to stay put. There is always some sense of sadness at being separate but it is there whichever country you choose. Also, who knows for the future it sounds like you have a long term plan to retire in Indonesia. Sometimes after a person is gone for a while "you can never really return home again". This is some old saying from literature and there is some truth to it. I wish you and your family the best.

 

[Vanhelsing]

But it's just not possible right now, I bought a house, I bought a car. My parents need me more than ever, and they need their grandchildren, too.

Stop being a whining self centered ass and get your freakin' priorities right! You belong with your wife and children and NOT with your new house, car or the need for your parents to be with their grand children!!

You made a commitment in marriage!! Man up and do what serves your wife and children first. Ask THEM where and how you serve them best and make it happen. I'd wager they'd be far more happy with a husband and father in their lives than him worrying about his new house, car and entitled grand parents living on the other side of the world. FFS!

You obviously gave this considerable forethought before including several other people in your life. Nice job.

Sometimes all of this really gets me down.

Spare a thought for your wife and kids.Pathetic!!

 

[waarmstrong]

A bit harsh, Van. With our family walking in the same shoes, I have what I think is a more informed and certainly more empathetic view. The blending of two families is a challenge for most all marriages. A union of geographically, culturally distant families only compounds the difficulties. In our experience it is a doable and even rewarding experience for both families and for the children, as well, even especially for the children. It is not so unique these days to grow up with a foot is two or more cultures, but it is still quite broadening and enriching; it can be economically enriching as well. Persons that understand, speak the language and function fluidly is two or more cultures are much in demand.

Recognizing and cultivating the benefits of a culturally mixed marriage, unfortunately has its trade-offs; trade-offs that are magnified by distance and the practical, mundane aspects of life, such as making a living. Seems to me that you have your priorities pretty well sorted out to nurture dual growth tracks for your children while, if not minimizing, at least aware of and coping with the unavoidable difficulties.

Hang in there.

 

[Dan]

You made a commitment in marriage!! Man up and do what serves your wife and children first. Ask THEM where and how you serve them best and make it happen. I'd wager they'd be far more happy with a husband and father in their lives than him worrying about his new house, car and entitled grand parents living on the other side of the world. FFS!

"If you marry only for love with no thought to money, what will you eat? Cinta goreng?"

I did make a commitment, and that means I have to sacrifice for their benefit. I must work here, and I must take care of my own parents. That's my duty. My children are growing up without the benefit of their relatives back home in Aceh, they are loved there too every bit as much as they are here. I will do what I must, and what I must do is provide my children with the opportunity to grow up knowing their entire family.

It does hurt me. I am not ashamed of my emotions, not ashamed to admit I love my children and will miss them very much.

What does not wound me is your commentary. How could it? However, I suggest you do the honorable thing and retract your statements. If you don't I won't be particularly wounded, but everyone who has read this exchange will know just how very small you really are.

Spare a thought for your wife and kids.Pathetic!!

Every moment of every day.

 

[PhilippeD]

Stop being a whining self centered ass and get your freakin' priorities right! You belong with your wife and children and NOT with your new house, car or the need for your parents to be with their grand children!!

You made a commitment in marriage!! Man up and do what serves your wife and children first. Ask THEM where and how you serve them best and make it happen. I'd wager they'd be far more happy with a husband and father in their lives than him worrying about his new house, car and entitled grand parents living on the other side of the world. FFS!

You obviously gave this considerable forethought before including several other people in your life. Nice job.



Spare a thought for your wife and kids.Pathetic!!

Van, while I agree with you on some point (our place is with our children), I think you are totally out of context.
They will be back for next september, it won't make sense to leave work, house and car for a short period of time.

I totally relate to Dan, the school motive was the main factor that bring me back to Canada with my older girl who start school this last September.
With the distance Canada-Indonesia I have rule out the idea of living on 2 country as far away as Canada-Indonesia (which would have been very different if it was Australia-Indonesia). The most short multiple-flight Montreal-Singapore is 24 hour but commonly 26 to 30 hour and I'm not still in Indonesia. And I won't talk you about the 12 hour jet lag from Montreal to Samarinda.
I ever made the ride with young kid and..... NEVER AGAIN! it's killing!

For me the choice was way more easy than Dan, my wife don't have a good relation with her family. We are not tear off in between family we love living each other side of the planet.
Our choice to move in Canada was quite an easy move for us. Not the same for everyone.

 

[fastpitch17]

Stop being a whining self centered ass and get your freakin' priorities right! You belong with your wife and children and NOT with your new house, car or the need for your parents to be with their grand children!!

You made a commitment in marriage!! Man up and do what serves your wife and children first. Ask THEM where and how you serve them best and make it happen. I'd wager they'd be far more happy with a husband and father in their lives than him worrying about his new house, car and entitled grand parents living on the other side of the world. FFS!

You obviously gave this considerable forethought before including several other people in your life. Nice job.



Spare a thought for your wife and kids.Pathetic!!

And people wonder why others give out Red Bricks. For post just like this one I think.

 

[dafluff]

I can relate quite a bit Dan, and there is no easy solution. My father spend his entire adult life as an expat, and as such his children have almost no connection to the home country, and only slightly more connection with his side of the family. While at the same time still not fitting in Indonesia (heck, I'm still on KITAP). Now that he is retired and can afford to travel, he spends around 2-3 months every year back in his country, in part to take care of my grandmother who still lives.

In the end, you have to choose where you want to live, and settle there. The other country is for visiting during long holidays. Sounds like you plan to live in the US. Can't fault you for that. The longest I have spent apart from my wife and children was about 2 months. It was really hard, so I wish you all the patience and perseverance in the coming 8 months. At least now there is Skype and the like so you can keep in touch more.

 

[El_Goretto]

How often will you be able to see your wife and kids Dan? They are going for 8 months but will you be able to visit them in Indonesia during that time?

Multi-national families are tough. It's a matter of pros and cons: we can't spend as much time with the extended family in return for a richer life and more experience.

In the past 5 years, my son has met my grand parents only once, when he was 6 months old and I've seen them only twice. We hope to be able to visit soon. It is not easy facing the fact that they have missed all these moments by no fault of their own and I have to say that the guilt is very strong. We knew where this would go when we embarked on this adventure so it is no surprise but that does not lessen the emotions in any way.

Also, VanH, don't be so quick to judge. There can be many undisclosed reasons as to why Dan made this choice and if we go by his posting history, it is clear that this must have been a very difficult decision and an even more trying moment for him.

 

[Minuteman]

I guess I committed myself to a life over here inside the first 18 months I was here. Definitely liked what I saw and stayed on. 42 years now, 2 marriages and 2 kids from the second marriage. My son is 15 now, has been on holiday to the US 5 times in his life and wants to go there after high school to join the US Army. Both he and his sister are US citizens from birth so no drama there reference immigration etc.

Not spending time with family in the States has never been an issue with me/us here...heck, some of my relatives in the States hardly ever visit each other...maybe once every 3-4 years. No drama.

It is what each person decides and commits to.

Personally, I would rather be here in Indonesia with my family, enjoying the lifestyle here than to try and live in the US and have ALL of us trying to adapt to the system there. Especially winter. Two things high on the list of why I stay here are: No snow!!! and no police harassment at all. Plus, just a short drive out of town and the rice paddys, wonderful rural people and the serenity of life there.

Town is town no matter where one lives, but I would much rather enjoy two or three nights in Jakarta, out and about, than to try something similar in St. Louis Missouri. Just no comparison at all.

Follow the pull of your heart strings and try not to hurt too many people along the way...all will be well.

 

[Banana72]

Don't know much about your financial situation (Dan), but IF you really really think you want/have to live in Indonesia with your wife, but wanting to keep the house...rent it for the next 3-4 years so at least you'll earn some cash flow while living in Indonesia. The car, well- if you have a trusted friend to manage it for you, maybe rent it out as Uber or something...and if every couple years you go take a vacation as a family, you can have your car for however long you stay in the US. I was under the impression that you were still doing your online work, vaguely remember it was earning you some decent income. If you're earning over $1,000 (say combination of maybe your rent cashflow plus your online work), you could probably make it in Indonesia, although the lifestyle might be a bit tight for the whole family. Then again, you might be earning way more wherever you are (I assume the US), and probably you get to save enough money to visit them twice a year or something. Your physical assets are just...well, things. You can always replace them or buy them again if needed...but memories with family are not replaceable (assuming we all like ours!).

My suggestion above would be the temporary patch until you figure something better.

Just like the rest of the gang said...not easy to have a multi-cultural family.

 

[Vanuatu]

Dan,

I'm in a somewhat similar situation, having moved back to my hometown about 20 months ago along with my son, who was starting 1st grade, and my wife. The move was both for economical and educational reasons. With the current climate in Indonesia, it would be difficult to make 25% of what I'm currently earning and the schooling here is much better and free. While we miss Indonesia, the situation for my son is 100% better here. We are also able to keep in close contact with my wife's family via facetime/Whatsapp/Skype that all offer free video calls, it also helps him retain his Indonesian. We have also done two trips back, the most recent was two months of summer vacation for my wife and son and two weeks at the tail end for me. We will also head back again for his spring break for two weeks. I'd suggest it would be better to have your wife and kids stay with you and maintain the relationship with the Aceh family via video calls and holidays for now. I think it would be more important to have them bond with you in person as opposed to their grandparents and perhaps if financially feasible, have them fly over for the summer to reconnect in person each year. With that in mind you can always make a 2-5 year plan to move the family back to Aceh, when it makes more financial sense.

 

[Puspawarna]

Dan,

I'm in a somewhat similar situation, having moved back to my hometown about 20 months ago along with my son, who was starting 1st grade, and my wife. The move was both for economical and educational reasons. With the current climate in Indonesia, it would be difficult to make 25% of what I'm currently earning and the schooling here is much better and free. While we miss Indonesia, the situation for my son is 100% better here. We are also able to keep in close contact with my wife's family via facetime/Whatsapp/Skype that all offer free video calls, it also helps him retain his Indonesian. We have also done two trips back, the most recent was two months of summer vacation for my wife and son and two weeks at the tail end for me. We will also head back again for his spring break for two weeks. I'd suggest it would be better to have your wife and kids stay with you and maintain the relationship with the Aceh family via video calls and holidays for now. I think it would be more important to have them bond with you in person as opposed to their grandparents and perhaps if financially feasible, have them fly over for the summer to reconnect in person each year. With that in mind you can always make a 2-5 year plan to move the family back to Aceh, when it makes more financial sense.

Hopefully your son is maintaining his two languages okay! Our son's first language was Indonesian, but he lost it when we moved to Egypt (we did not have the benefit of a native Indonesian speaker in the house, of course).

However, although it was the move to Egypt that caused him to lose his Indonesian entirely, it was actually a trip to Hawaii that started the first fractures in his bilingual capability. Why? Because to a 4 year old, all Hawaiians looked like Indonesians, and at that point he would use English with white-skinned people and Indonesian with anyone Asian/darker-skinned. So for his first couple of weeks in Hawaii, he tried Indonesian on all Hawaiians he met, only to be confused when they only spoke English. By the time a few weeks had passed, he had started using English with everyone. He never really did go back to his high level of Indonesian use after that

Dan, I have no advice for you (though I do think that even in a non-mixed marriage that is committed to living abroad you can experience some similar problems), but I wish you and your family all the best in making the situation work.

 

[William King]

While harsh words, I kinda get what Van is trying to say. Equally, Dan is the only one with all the facts to his situation and decision. I wish him the best whichever way her chooses.

 

[Vanuatu]

Hopefully your son is maintaining his two languages okay! Our son's first language was Indonesian, but he lost it when we moved to Egypt (we did not have the benefit of a native Indonesian speaker in the house, of course).

On the first trip back to Jakarta after only 9 months he couldn't converse with his grandparents very well, after that, he was embarrassed and he tried harder to speak Indonesian when we got back home. My wife speaks to him 90% of the time in Indonesian, but he answers in English. This past summer he spent 2 months with his grandparents in Jakarta and got back almost to his pre-move ability. Since then he has worked harder to keep it up, he has also started a daily formal lesson plan from my wife. We also have the benefit of having a very diverse population, I would estimate that 40% of his classmates are bilingual which makes it easier for the kids not to feel the pressure to speak English all of the time as they see their friends speaking in other languages with their parents.

 

[Elphaba]

Stop being a whining self centered ass and get your freakin' priorities right! You belong with your wife and children and NOT with your new house, car or the need for your parents to be with their grand children!!

You made a commitment in marriage!! Man up and do what serves your wife and children first. Ask THEM where and how you serve them best and make it happen. I'd wager they'd be far more happy with a husband and father in their lives than him worrying about his new house, car and entitled grand parents living on the other side of the world. FFS!

You obviously gave this considerable forethought before including several other people in your life. Nice job.



Spare a thought for your wife and kids.Pathetic!!

Wow! If you can't give constructive advice or even just a "there there, I feel for you" why would you even comment? This is incredibly harsh and unfeeling at a time when Dan is, by his own admission, doing it tough!

 

[Euc-]

Wow! If you can't give constructive advice or even just a "there there, I feel for you" why would you even comment? This is incredibly harsh and unfeeling at a time when Dan is, by his own admission, doing it tough!

It's his opinion, and he does make some very valid points as others have pointed out. Although the wordings used might be a little on the harsh side, we're not here to just shout Hosanna to anyone who posts.