Jokes

[Davita]

Two guys in a pub. One an ex-military gent the other a free-wheeler.
A few ales had been supped and the conversation, as usual, turned to sex.
"When was the last time for you?" asked the mustached gent.
"A couple of days ago...but with two girls..." boasted the younger guy "..how about you?'
"Not since 2012!"
"You mean you haven't had sex in the last 5 years?"
"Hell No!' snorted the gent "an hour ago at exactly twelve minutes past eight. Just before I came for a pint."

 

[Davita]

A man, his wife, and their 6 children are standing at a bus stop.
The husband sees an old blind-man with a cane, who lives near them, walking up to the bus stop.
The bus arrives and, as it's nearly full, they agreed to let the wife take the children on the bus.
The husband tells his wife he can escort the blind man to their destination.
While walking the husband is annoyed by the tapping of the blind man's stick, so he suggests "If you'd put a rubber on the end of that stick, it wouldn't make so much noise".
The blind man turns to the husband and replies "If you'd put a rubber on the end of your stick....we would have fit on that bus".

 

[Davita]

I must have asked a 100 women what type of soap they use in the shower. Nearly every one answered "How the fuck did you get in here".

 

[vocalneal]

About a month before he died, my uncle had his back covered in lard. After that, he went down hill fast.

 

[vocalneal]

I was walking down the road when I saw an Persian bloke standing on a fifth floor balcony, shaking a carpet. I shouted up to him, "What's up Arash, won't it start?"

 

[vocalneal]

Doing your own sex change is usually not recommended. But my mate pulled it off.

 

[vocalneal]

Bought a dog off the village blacksmith, as soon as we got home, he made a bolt for the back door

 

[vocalneal]

Female athlete says to the Doctor "I've started growing a penis! I think it might be because I've been taking a lot of steroids"
Doctor asks "Anabolic?"
Female athlete replies "No, just a penis!"

 

[Euc-]

1st daughter: dad im lesbian
Dad: oh okay
2nd daughter: dad im lesbian too
Dad: Jesus Christ is there anyone in this family who loves men?
Son: I do..

 

[macvert]

Boy comes home and tells his parents he has just had sex for the first time.

The proud Dad says 'I'll buy you a bike to celebrate, but you will have to wait until next pay day"

The boy replies "that's alright Dad, my arse is too sore to ride it anyway"

 

[Davita]

Paddy and Shamus are in the pub supping Guinness.
Paddy......"Shamus...see them two old guys at the other side of the bar...that's us in ten years!"
Shamus..."Paddy...you daft bugger...that's a mirror!"

 

[vocalneal]

 

[vocalneal]

If smoking is so bad for you, how come it cures salmon?

 

[Davita]

"Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl."
The priest asks, "Is that you, little Dominic Savino?"
"Yes, Father, it is."
"And who was the girl you were with?"
"I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation."
"Well, Dominic, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now.
"Was it Tina Minetti?".... "I cannot say."
"Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?".... "I'll never tell."
"Was it Nina Capelli?".... "I'm sorry, but I cannot name her."
"Was it Cathy Piriano?".... "My lips are sealed."
"Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?".... "Please, Father, I cannot tell you."

The priest sighs in frustration. "You're very tight lipped, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself."

Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers, "What'd you get?"

"Four months vacation and five good leads."

 

[vocalneal]

 

[Anglian]

I was sent this from England and any Brit will know the terrible state of the Bristish police to any crime


As the police and CID no longer consider it necessary to attend any burgalary or any incident I have disconnected my burgalary alarm and left the neighbour hood watch
I have recently taken down the Union Flag plus my St George's flag of England, I have now placed in the corners of the front garden two flags of Pakistan and in the centre the black ISIS flag, this will ensure that the police, special branch, MI5 and SAS and any other security agency will keep a continued watch on my house 24/7
I have never felt safer and am saving £24/50 a month

 

[vocalneal]

A Jewish father was very troubled by the way his son turned out and went to see his rabbi about it.

“Rabbi, I brought him up in the faith, gave him a very expensive Bar Mitzvah and it cost me a fortune to educate him. Then he tells me last week, he’s decided to be a Christian. Rabbi, where did I go wrong?”

The rabbi strokes his beard and says, “Funny you should come to me. I too, brought up my son as a boy of faith, sent him to university and it cost me a fortune and then one day he comes to me and tells me he wants to be a Christian.”

“What did you do?” asked the man of the rabbi.

“I turned to God for the answer,” replied the rabbi.

“What did he say?” asked the man.

He said, “Funny you should come to me...”

 

[Davita]

I have to say vocalneal your joke #177 is not only extremely funny it's probably the wittiest I've ever heard. I just love clever jokes that expose hypocrisy.
There's a repeat of an old comedy on TV called '3rd rock from the sun." The theme is 4 interplanetary beings come to planet earth to observe our way of life and some of the silly things we humans take for granted.
It also exposes some of our speciousness in an amusing, and enlightening, way.

 

[vocalneal]

Not my work. I copied it from a scooter forum

 

[nosox]

i was a huge fan of 3rd Rock for the same reasons