But why, Dad ..?

[Alia]

~~ Without any disrespect to anyone of my dad’s age here, here’s a little story that bothers me now.~~

I lost my mom in March 2014, two years ago. It was a big loss for me, since I am the youngest, closest one and she was my rock. There was not a day went by without me or she calling each other over the phone. We were very close. She died at 65 of a heart attack, two days after visited me for a week. Dad is 9 years older and he is still with us now.

He called us, me and my sister couple of days ago, so off we went back home 2 hours away from Sub. My brother was there too. We had this meeting in our dining table. Dad started to tell why he wanted us to come home. And what he told us has made me think that I’m still dreaming, even until now.

He told us that he has remarried again, to someone in Jkt, someone that we have never known. A woman in my sister’s age, with two grown up kids, like in their 20s. And he got married 6 months after mom passed away, without telling us, his 4 children.

I’m shock, we were shock. It is his right to be married again, yes, but why ? He is clearly not young anymore, he has nothing to offer too, not financially at the moment though. Maybe not too long there will be rejeki God gives him for a case that he won, he would be a very very rich man. Is that why she said yes to his proposal ??

I asked him “Why Dad, why did you marry her?†And he answered “What is your objection to it ?â€. And I almost cant hear my own voice when I said “……….That you have forgotten mom so easilyâ€. He said “It has nothing to do with your momâ€. Things that as bitter as it is, I need to shut my mouth up. I’m proud that I still can keep my ‘coolness’ at that time while my sister was crying and cant accept it like crazy. (uh..uh.., I can brag about me being cool while in deep shock in the Brag thread..!)

I cant think clearly now. It is absolutely wrong to hurt your parents in any way, to disrespect them, to not please them, and that’s the last thing I want do in this world. But thinking that someone has replaced my mom after 44 years of their wonderful and blissful marriage is something that I just can not comprehend. Not now.

Maybe I need to relax, to compromised with my own feeling. Maybe I need people telling me that everything’s gonna be alright ? (by people I mean you whoever reading this). Maybe help me understand this better ? That it is the best for him for his old days, that someone will be taking care of him ?
I don’t know .. It just feels so …. Unreal.

Thanks for reading, I’m a bit relief now, at least I got this stone out of my chest.

 

[William King]

People react to grief in funny ways, getting married so soon, and not telling you all about it is probably part of that. And him not telling you for two years is probably because he anticipated, correctly, how you might feel. This is something to figure out between you (your family) and him. There's something not quite right, at the very least he should have been honest.

But, should he remain alone after you mother passed on ? Two years now. In some ways, there's never a right time to get remarried, but would you deny him that?

Just words that I have tried to express. Obviously you are still in shock.

 

[atlantis]

Perhaps it is because he doesn't want lo leave alone. Perhaps it is because he is still alive.

You said he was 74 at the time of the death of your mom. It is an age I guess when you think about your own death and I can easily understand that one want to be accompanied toward this moment. I can easily understand that, whatever age he has, and whatever feeling he had for your mom, he still wants to care for someone and that someone care for him. You and your sister are obviously here, but having someone on the phone is definitively not the same than having someone by one's side.

I lost my father when I was young. He was my role model and it was very sudden. Got a very nasty cancer and left in just a matter of days. Yet, and in all honesty, I can say that I was affected by his loss but I never mourn him. A week or so after my wound was healed and it has never been a burden, unlike for my mom or my brother. It is not disrespect or the fact that I would have forgotten him quickly. It's just that I was young and fully aware that I had to live, and that mourning him would be, in a form, a waste of time.
We all die one day and I know that when it will be my turn I really hope that my wife and kids will quickly turn the page (and won't block the damn road in front of the house to accommodate hundreds of people who come to cry, pray and pillage my fridge while there is no chance it brings me back!).

No offense intended, Alia, but I see only positive in your dad's choice (save for the fact that he should have tell you before).

 

[Bad_azz]

First Alia- the new wife is not a replacement for your mother- are any of your kids a replacement for the other?
If we love people, we can continue to share our life/love with other people.
I am sure your dad married again because he loved your mother very much and misses her. Therefore he was lonely and wanted companionship- someone to talk to, someone to laugh with, I am sure your mum would not want him to sit alone in the house depressed and rotting away waiting to die - she would want him to try and be happy again.

He is your dad but he is human too, with you all living so far away from him he has probably been very lonely - and probably too proud to tell you that he needed companionship - I think you should try to wish him well and honour your mother& his love. Don't automatically think this other woman - his new wife is a negative influence or just interested in his money- think of her as a potential new friend who is making your dad happy. You don't know her story- maybe something happened in her life that made her feel attracted to someone with your dad's personality- life is as much about emotions as it is about money.

 

[dafluff]

Hopefully without sounding too flippant I can see both your and your father's perspective. You both are right. I know I know, easy for me to say. And for sure he should have told you much sooner, probably better before getting married.

But just because he has remarried doesn't mean he has forgotten your mother. Nor is his new wife a replacement. At his age, he must be also considering his own mortality and considering how suddenly your mother passed away. It is only natural that he maybe lonely and that he knows he doesn't have the luxury of a long courtship or waiting period. I don't think you can expect him to not remarry if the opportunity arises.

You are also right in your feeling that this is all too fast, and your relationship with your mother is obviously different than that between your father and mother. You don't want another mother in the way your father may have need for someone to share his life with, so naturally it is hard to see his perspective. Whether he has something to offer or not is her call anyway. I definitely don't think you should think of your father any less. Everything will be alright.

I'm glad you said that posting in this forum has helped a bit.

 

[fastpitch17]

Yes, it would have been nice if he informed you before the event but he didn't need your permission. Perhaps he felt, for some reason, his children would have tried to block it so avoided telling you. He lost his lifelong companion. It leaves a void in someone's life and it is in all likelihood good for him to fill that void. It is not like Indonesia has nice retirement homes full of social activities for the residents. He has to face the same people doing the same thing day in and day out.

Did you get to meet her? The only thing I would find odd is her age and perhaps the circumstances of their meeting. You never mentioned if they are even living together.

 

[gab-rob]

well dear Alia, so sorry to hear what you have to face. it's not easy for sure. But somehow some people are desperately need companion. facing the future days alone- after all those years accompanied by someone he loves , might terrifying.

but i understand your dissapointment for him not telling his kids about his remarriage. but do you think if he had told you earlier, you would have taken it easier on him? dont you think that if he had told you earlier, he would have to face rejection and all the 'no' answer from his kids, without any solution for any problem that he's facing.

i really hope you can solve this matter soon enough, familly matter like this would really bother and consume your energy and mind.
hope for the best for both parties ya

 

[Scooterindo]

My parents divorced in 1977 - My father went on to marry his long term girl friend in 2000, they had first met in 1974 and a relationship had developed when it became clear that his six year marriage was in a terminal decline. As an adult I have spoken to my dad about this (man talk) and he said he didn't want to appear cold and uncaring towards my mum and was also afraid of how he would be perceived by my sister and I, as at the time of the divorce we were still very young kids. He also said he felt guilty and kept the relationship hushed up for years, We didn't actually find out about his "other woman" until we were in our early 20s.

When we actually found out we weren't particularly surprised, it only served to confirm what we had already suspected for years.
Fast forward another 20 or so years and we all get along like a house on fire, his wife is a lovely woman and as an added bonus I get another sister and brother thrown into the mix and I also have a very good relationship with them. We have all agreed that their mum and my dad are happy together so lets just be happy for them. However all that said, she is HIS WIFE not my mother and the relationship is totally different. I love her for making my dad so happy.

I think you should adopt the same attitude, after all do you want him to waste years and years of potential happiness because he is scared of hurting your feelings ?? I know that you're not a kid but I am sure you wouldn't want him to have negative feelings like guilt or shame. He was a good husband to your mum, and a good father to his kids. Unfortunately your mum has passed on, and you are all grown up with your own families, try and let your dad have his happiness - he deserves it. And you never know you might actually like this "new wife" of his. Give it a chance Sayang.

 

[Minuteman]

I lost my wife of 20 years in 1997. No children. I was so used to living together with my woman that I found I couldn't live alone. Married my new (young) wife in late 1999. Now almost 17 years on, 2 children and enjoying my family life.

Give your Dad a break...he needs and deserves it.

 

[CaturMuka]

Geez Louise, I'm much more cynical that the rest of you guys.

He is clearly not young anymore, he has nothing to offer too, not financially at the moment though. Maybe not too long there will be rejeki God gives him for a case that he won, he would be a very very rich man. Is that why she said yes to his proposal ??

Most likely, yes, and I doubt the marriage will last long if the money doesn't end up coming.

He told us that he has remarried again, to someone in Jkt, someone that we have never known. A woman in my sister’s age, with two grown up kids, like in their 20s. And he got married 6 months after mom passed away, without telling us, his 4 children.

Lonely or not, that's terrible behaviour from a father. He obviously didn't tell you because he thought you'd be able to stop it from going ahead. The new wife's no saint either. What sort of relationship are you expected to have with her after a terrible start like that?

The biggest problem I think you'll have is if his court case pays out and he proceeds to spend all the money on his new family. There's very few people that could see that happening and not become bitter. Especially if you or your siblings are struggling financially.

It might be time to forget about being a polite and obedient child and demand that he draw up a will that includes you and your siblings.

 

[Nimbus]

Geez Louise, I'm much more cynical that the rest of you guys.


Most likely, yes, and I doubt the marriage will last long if the money doesn't end up coming.


Lonely or not, that's terrible behaviour from a father. He obviously didn't tell you because he thought you'd be able to stop it from going ahead. The new wife's no saint either. What sort of relationship are you expected to have with her after a terrible start like that?

The biggest problem I think you'll have is if his court case pays out and he proceeds to spend all the money on his new family. There's very few people that could see that happening and not become bitter. Especially if you or your siblings are struggling financially.

It might be time to forget about being a polite and obedient child and demand that he draw up a will that includes you and your siblings.

Assuming he is a muslim there is no need for him to draft a separate will, unless he wants the new wife to inherit a larger share. The Court of (Islamic) Religion has jurisdiction over matters of inheritance for muslims, and by default the widow receives 1/8 of the asset, the rest goes to the children.

I think the kids see this is an emotional issue about 'replacing' the mom, and they're not concerned about money.

 

[CaturMuka]

Assuming he is a muslim there is no need for him to draft a separate will, unless he wants the new wife to inherit a larger share. The Court of (Islamic) Religion has jurisdiction over matters of inheritance for muslims, and by default the widow receives 1/8 of the asset, the rest goes to the children.

Interesting stuff, thanks.

When you say the "rest goes to the children" does that include his new step-children? I wonder if it differs if the step-children are still minors rather than adults.

 

[kimdub]

Alia, from what I can tell about you from your posts, your parents did a great job in raising you and hopefully, that also includes your siblings. But that job is finished.

I am in the same age range as your father, and the only time I feel old is when there is some activity that I can't do as well as when I was younger and also when I look in the mirror. But there are two sides to being this age. I feel I have many more active years ahead and things I want to do, but on the other hand, I receive a lot of phone calls and emails the past few years of friends that have passed away that were in the same or better shape than me.

So here is a man that has lost his lifetime companion and is lost, lonely and maybe afraid of the future. He made a choice to keep living his life on his terms, not his kids.

So I would hope that even though you think it was too fast and you probably don't like his new wife, that you try to respect that he chose to live his life to the fullest as he sees it. Give him the support even though you disagree with his decision as he probably supported you even when he thought you were not doing the right things sometime as you were growing up.

He did not remarry to replace your mother, he remarried to continue living his life.

 

[Nimbus]

Interesting stuff, thanks.

When you say the "rest goes to the children" does that include his new step-children? I wonder if it differs if the step-children are still minors rather than adults.

Islamic law recognizes biological children only for the purpose of inheritance. Unless he creates a will stating otherwise, his step children would receive 0. Even if he intends to give them something, by law the sum can't exceed 1/3 of his total asset.

 

[Puspawarna]

Alia, I'm very sorry for the loss of your mother, compounded now by the shock you've gone through. I may understand more than anyone else here just how brutal it is to discover that a parent has remarried without telling you, because that is EXACTLY what happened to my college roommate (I'll call her Sue to help keep the story easier to follow). Of course the particulars were a little different: in Sue's case, her mother suddenly passed away without warning at around age 53 (her dad was in his early 60s). In less than a year, Sue's dad secretly married his secretary. Sue knew, occasionally socialized with, and even liked the secretary, but had no idea there was anything romantic between the secretary and her dad.

When her dad and the secretary finally revealed that they had gotten married a year or so earlier, Sue was devastated. It was partly because she had always adored her mother, and so it felt like a betrayal of her mom, but it also felt like a terrible betrayal of Sue herself. How could her dad take such an important step without even telling her it was happening, and then allow months and months to go by without saying anything?

I would love to say that eventually she came to terms with what her dad did, and that they all lived happily ever after, but in fact that is not what happened. Sue struggled for a while to be civil to her dad and his second wife, who made many overtures to Sue to show that they wanted to remain on good terms, but every time she was around them it was obvious Sue was angry and upset. She and her dad gradually stopped communicating. Finally, when her dad was on his deathbed, Sue went to him - and he was so hurt by what he saw as HER betrayal of HIM that he turned his head away and refused to speak with her.

What a tragic story. As Sue's good friend, I of course take her side in the matter; I think what her father (and his second wife) did showed very poor judgment. And I certainly understand how Sue felt. She WAS betrayed.

Even so, the story could have had a much happier ending if she had found it within herself to be more understanding. Her dad was hurting from the loss of his wife too. His only daughter was grown and out of the house, and it was only natural that he wanted companionship. I'm sure it hurt him deeply when year after year Sue remained cool to him.

Anyway, take that story for what it is worth. It sounds like you will remain civil to your dad out of a sense of obligation to one's parents. That feeling of duty is a virtue, I guess, but I think it will be better for all of you if you come to terms with what happened not because culture and religion tell you to honor your parents, but because you eventually accept and forgive. Posters above me have already explained why that's a good idea, but I'll quote kimdub's statement, "He did not remarry to replace your mother, he remarried to continue living his life."

Best of luck to you in coming to terms with how you feel. You don't have to feel guilty about feeling confused, angry, and betrayed - you have every right to feel that way. But you also have everything to gain by moving beyond those feelings.

 

[willianto]

@alia: a bit of warning: no matter how mad you are, somehow, get over it soon. Holding on your anger and grudge will only ruin your own life. You'll waste days (or weeks, or months, or years) of happiness -- and it's not just you, but your family -- you're children and your husband's as well.

Anyway, it's just my 2c.

 

[fastpitch17]

Alia, just take the new wife aside, get to know her, ask her intentions, inform her you and your siblings love your father dearly and if he is hurt by her then Karma is really ugly.

 

[Alia]

I cant thank you enough, to everyone here who have posted your kind words, to support and have given me new perspective on how to handle this situation. Not easy for me and my siblings for sure, but this is just a test from the Almighty, and we wont get tested if He knows we cant handle it. That’s what I want to believe.

 

[Alia]

People react to grief in funny ways, getting married so soon, and not telling you all about it is probably part of that. And him not telling you for two years is probably because he anticipated, correctly, how you might feel. This is something to figure out between you (your family) and him. There's something not quite right, at the very least he should have been honest.

KW, I’ve never though that this is part of his reaction to grief. I should have thought of that, you have opened my eyes. He did started by telling us how he loved my mom, and how in the last days of her life he felt so close like never before with her, that every night he woke her up to do their late night pray together, to get closer and closer to God and getting ready if at any time they need to go. I guess this is his way.

 

[Alia]

Perhaps it is because he doesn't want lo leave alone. Perhaps it is because he is still alive.

Atlantis, yes, very true.

I remember he said : “You were all too young once, but now you have grown up too fast. There is something that you might cant understand, but it is what it is, and don’t think I’ve forgotten your mother, she is always be the first that comes to my pray, every single time. You asked why I did married this woman, because I need to.â€