Jokes

[vocalneal]

8 p.m. I get an SMS from my girlfriend: Me or football?!

11 p.m. I SMS my girlfriend: You of course.

 

[kratos]

Trump will never see jail except on tv. The odds are stacked in favour for him. He's not black and Martha Stewart

 

[jstar]

There has been a video circulating with a religious leader proclaiming that polygamy is 'the way to go'.


As you can hear, e has a rather particular voice. And of course there have been some creative minds that have made parodies on the same....rather hilarious.


And even a 'gay' version:


Law suits are being prepped as we speak.

 

[vocalneal]

 

[kratos]

My wife is angry

She says whenever she cleans the house, I never lifted a finger to help her ou

So I lifted a finger
Apparently it's the wrong one

 

[steveandpenny]

2 condoms were walking by a gay bar.
One looked at the other and asked
"You want to go in and get shit faced? "

 

[Vicissidude]

My wife was mad because she says I never lift a finger to help around the house. So I lifted a finger...
Apparently it was the wrong one.

 

[Davita]

A man wakes up in the hospital bandaged from head to foot.

The doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now, you probably won't remember, but you were in a huge pile-up on the freeway. You're going to be okay, you'll walk again and everything, however, your penis was severed in the accident and we couldn't find it."

The man groans, but the doctor goes on, "You have $9000 in insurance compensation coming and we now have the technology to build a new penis. They work great but they don't come cheap. It's roughly $1000 an inch." The man perks up.

So, the doctor says, "You must decide how many inches you want. But understand that you have been married for over thirty years and this is something you should discuss with your wife. If you had a five incher before and get a nine incher now she might be a bit put out. If you had a nine incher before and you decide to only invest in a five incher now, she might be disappointed. It's important that she plays a role in helping you make a decision."

The man agrees to talk it over with his wife. The doctor comes back the next day, "So, have you spoken with your wife?"

"Yes I have," says the man.

"And has she helped you make a decision?"

"Yes" says the man.

"What is your decision?" asks the doctor.

"We're getting granite counter tops."

 

[kratos]

let's withdraw ourselves from Paris climate treaty....

 

[kratos]

My girlfriend left a note sticking on a fridge saying, 'this isn't working, bye bye '

I opened the fridge and the fridge worked just fine

 

[jstar]

WHEN THE LOGO COMES OUT WRONG....

 

[jstar]

 

[vocalneal]

In a Perfect World..!

A husband is supposed to make his wife's panties wet, not her eyes.
A wife is supposed to make her husband's dick hard, not his life...

 

[vocalneal]

Just asked my wife what she's "burning up for dinner" and it turned out to be all of my personal belongings.

 

[vocalneal]

 

[vocalneal]

I asked a librarian for a book about Pavlov's dogs and Schrodinger's cat.. She said it rang a bell, but she didn't know if it was there or not.

 

[vocalneal]

Captain Smithers
In the great days of the British Empire, a new commanding officer was
sent to a South African bush outpost to relieve the retiring colonel.
After welcoming his replacement and showing the usual courtesies, gin and tonic, cucumber sandwiches etc) which protocol decrees, the
retiring colonel said, ?You must meet my Adjutant, Captain Smithers,
He?s my right-hand man and is really the strength of this office. His
talent is simply boundless.?

Smithers was summoned and introduced to the new CO, who was surprised

to meet a hunchback, one eyed, toothless, hairless, scabbed and
pockmarked specimen of humanity, a particularly unattractive man less than three feet tall.

?Smithers, old man, tell your new CO about yourself.?

?Well, sir, I graduated with the sword of honour from Sandhurst, joined the
regiment and won the Military Cross and Bar after three expeditions
behind enemy lines. I?ve represented Great Britain in equestrian
events and won a Silver Medal in the middleweight boxing division of the
Olympics. I have researched the history of?..?

At that point, the colonel interrupted, ?Yes, yes, never mind that
Smithers, he can find all that in your file. Tell him about the day
you told the witch doctor to fuck off.?

 

[vocalneal]

Nursery Rhymes for the 21st Century
Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall
The structure of the wall was incorrect
So he won ten grand with Claims Direct


It's raining, it's pouring
Of course it's Global Warming


Jack and Jill went into town
To fetch some chips and sweeties.
Now he can't get his heart rate down
And Jill's got diabetes


Mary had a little lamb
It ran into a pylon
10000 volts went up its arse
And turned its wool to nylon.


Georgie Porgie pudding and pie
Kissed the girls and made them cry
When the boys came out to play
He kissed them to cos he was gay.


Jack and Jill went up the hill
And planned to do some kissing
Jack made a pass and grabbed her arse
Now two of his teeth are missing.


Mary had a little lamb
Its fleece was white and wispy
Then it caught Foot and Mouth
And now it's black and crispy

 

[Anglian]

And there's more


Simple simon met a pieman, said Simple Simon to the pieman, What have you there,
Pies, you stupid Pratt

Jack and Jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water
Jill came down with half a crown
Jack came down later

Mary had a little lamb
She also had a bear
I often saw her little lamb
I never saw her bear

 

[vocalneal]

Jack and Jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water
Jill came down with half a crown
But it wasn't for fetching water.