Have I made a mistake?

[Daniel50]

At least someone do reading reliable and valid information. You did read it all didn't you? Lol

I consider myself more of a skimmer.

 

[waarmstrong]

Not so much a virgin wife, but when you marry someone who society would perceive to be a prostitute, the chances are not good that she will stop being one.

Actually the numbers don't support your view. You stepped on your crank; accept that and move on. Vilifying women as doomed by their behavior to a one-track existence is pretty silly and evidence that acknowledging responsibility for your contribution is beyond you.

 

[Euc-]

Not so much a virgin wife, but when you marry someone who society would perceive to be a prostitute, the chances are not good that she will stop being one.

Guess I really did misunderstand him, perhaps I was too naive to believe that someone with that kind of mindset would certainly not be found on an expat forum.

I stand corrected.

 

[gab-rob]

Scottyboy,
your story is something new for me. i mean i rarely read a guy posts something sentimental like what you wrote. my feeling is you start to some 'love' feeling toward her. but then you found out that she might not be good for you.
Have you ever been in a real relationship before? .. whatever your answer is, her answer is yes. at least with her ex hubby. so, she knows what she needs to do to control that feeling and stop her mind from wandering in the uncertain land.
my suggestion is, if you cant control your mind and feeling toward her, then stop seeing/contacting her.

no offense, but personally i think sex should be done based on love, passion or anything else.. except money. ( this is after a friend of mine says, earning money from sex is the easist job, instant money. no need to work as hard as employees .. 'she said it half joking half serious )

 

[Euc-]

Which reminds me, Scottyboy, if you ever want to pursue a relationship with an Asian woman again, I recommend you to spend a few hours to read the readers submissions section on the "Stickmanbangkok" website (google it). You'll see plenty of stories nearly identical to yours, and by reading as much as you can you should at the very least learn what to look out for.

 

[ScottyBoy]

I've been out of action for a few days with a nasty sickness bug. I see I have a lot to catch up on!

Keep moving forward and let go. Trust the information presented, as well as your intuition. Quit trying to create something which does not exist. It was brief and intense. There is a part of a person that can be compelled toward this but it tends to not work out well. You need someone more stable. The main rule to remember is: you can not change others but you can spend a lifetime of frustration, hurt and anger trying. ( Again you can not change others but you can use fantasy to repeatedly try to make things into something they are not, let go).

Thanks Daniel, you are right. It is getting easier to let go as time passes and I have more time to digest everything, and fully take on all the helpful advice and insights of people on here.

That being said I believe in the OP's case that the situation is bad news, way over the line and time to run

Thanks Ruserious. This all helps to eliminate any doubts I had about the decision I made.

OP, my lord, there are a 1,000,000 OP's EXACTLY the same as that. It's actually really boring to read.

All the best.

oh yeah, and run.

Thanks William. I'm running!

I made some points about not respecting her choice working as sex worker which put a big doubt in you, and the fact that she gave you requirements with a certain amount of money bullshit for further relationship which put pressure on you, not to mention circumcision thing which humbug - unless they check it before you convert. But if you have communicated what you thought about and it worked with her, I think it is wrong to shut down all communication. If she was still upset and thought it was mandatory requirements, leaving is the best choice.

Thanks Felicity. I did try to communicate with her about these things, I'm a big believer in open and honest communications in relationships. The night we had the initial discussion regarding circumcision etc, when she went to sleep I stayed up late doing a fair amount of research online into it all, to open my mind to the possibility. The next morning I thought she would be pleased to hear this and my thoughts on it, but before I got very far at all she got angry for no apparent reason and tried to shut it down.

I simply said that the thought of being circumcised is not pleasant, especially having watched a video of the procedure on Youtube, and that it is not normal (common) for men in my country to do it. She got angry and literally said "You scared to get cut? Then maybe I'm scared to move to your country. You scared to get cut, the meaning you don't love me, we don't get married!" I managed to calm her down and ask why she was getting so upset, when the night before she had said it was up to me if I get cut. (She had also said her father wouldn't allow her to marry me if I was not cut, and that he would ask her and she could not lie to him about it. But I know there are other things she is quite happy to lie to him about. So there is a lot of conflicting parts to that.) She said she was angry because I said circumcision is not normal, meaning that everyone in Indonesia is crazy. I explained that by normal I meant common, as in performed by a significant amount of people. It may not be normal/common here but I understand it is normal/common in her country. This seemed to calm her down but the bottom line still seemed to be that it was her way or no way.

Talk then moved onto the marriage requirements, and her further upset at the discussions regarding the maher which I had already told her I knew very little about. I told her the little that I had read online (minimum value of US$100) and she took this as a great personal insult. I have since read accounts and been told by men whose wives asked for little or even no Maher (the smaller the burden the greater the blessing, I have read).

Her dismay at my projected savings came somewhere in among all this too which simply made the alarm bells in my head ring louder. This added to all of the previous doubts made me realise that I had to ask myself some serious questions which may give some difficult answers.

http://www.wwnorton.com/college/psych/intimate-relationships/ch/03/summary.aspx

Keep the door shut. Keep moving forward. There are different "theories" and also plenty of practical experiences. Some of it was shared by practical scholars, schooled in relationships.

Thanks Daniel. I did read all of that and some of it did resonate with me.

Scottyboy,
your story is something new for me. i mean i rarely read a guy posts something sentimental like what you wrote. my feeling is you start to some 'love' feeling toward her. but then you found out that she might not be good for you.
Have you ever been in a real relationship before? .. whatever your answer is, her answer is yes. at least with her ex hubby. so, she knows what she needs to do to control that feeling and stop her mind from wandering in the uncertain land.
my suggestion is, if you cant control your mind and feeling toward her, then stop seeing/contacting her.

no offense, but personally i think sex should be done based on love, passion or anything else.. except money. ( this is after a friend of mine says, earning money from sex is the easiest job, instant money. no need to work as hard as employees .. 'she said it half joking half serious )

Thanks gab-rob. I have had a couple of real and serious relationships (lasting over 2 years) in the past. I have taken some lessons from these, but not to the point where I can totally control my emotions and feelings toward someone. Yes, I probably did open my heart too easily. I did try to put the brakes on my feelings when I realised things were getting serious but the doubts hadn't been eliminated. But it was still hard not to get carried away.

No offense taken, I am of the same opinion!

Which reminds me, Scottyboy, if you ever want to pursue a relationship with an Asian woman again, I recommend you to spend a few hours to read the readers submissions section on the "Stickmanbangkok" website (google it). You'll see plenty of stories nearly identical to yours, and by reading as much as you can you should at the very least learn what to look out for.

Thanks Euc. It's not something I'll be actively pursuing, at least not in the foreseeable future, but I have found the page and will certainly take some time to read it with interest!


I watched the World of Suzie Wong a few days ago. I enjoyed it, and certainly seen some parallels with my story! I was a bit surprised at the ending, I expected it to mirror my own experience, but if I had thought about it beforehand I would have realised all good movies need a happy ending!