Gathering support and contacts in Jakarta

[Ernest Chay]

I am E, 45yo Singaporean. The love of my life is S, 32, indonesian.

I will not share much of our love story. The main objective of my post is to gain support and contacts in Jakarta.

Long story short, my gf got swindled and went to Jakarta, thinking her husband is willing to divorce her. He even demanded a certain sum of money to make it very believable. Instead, he grabbed her mobile and retrieved all her deleted photos, videos and messages of us and using this to control her.

She is not allowed to use the phone nor return to her home to her family. She has been using her neighbour's phone to call me when the monster is not at home. This has been going on since 15 Oct. He has been mistreating her and using her for sex. Whenever she has her menses or gastric and cannot have sex, he will throw his tantrums.

He has very high IQ and EQ, no physical abuse, just constant mental intimidations and torture. He has been planning this for two long years and is fairly proficient in IT. He deleted everything in her phone and has the material in his phone and has most probably backed up in other channels.

I am hoping to get some support and info from our fellow friends in Indonesia and Jakarta. I read on the web that the adultery law in Indonesia states that only the spouse can sue the other half.

I am not sure what is in her phone, but for example, Whatsapp messages like "You book room already?" Is it enough evidence to constitute to adultery? How about clothed or certain state of undressed selfie in a room?

They went thru the traditional marriage ritual in Aug 2019 but was unable to consummate the marriage because she was rushing for a flight back to Singapore. Can she apply for annulment if she can prove it? They had not even held hands before at this point.

I will share more details about our relationship as this thread moves on and I assure you I am not a wife stealing scumbag.

This monster is a widower for ten years and from what I see, he is hell bent on keeping her by his side. I know he is trying to get her pregnant so that she can never leave him.

Because of the language barrier and the mildly psychotic state my gf is in, gaining information can be frustrating.

I know I am bending over backwards for potential scammers but I have to try every avenue. Kind souls from Indonesia and Jakarta please PM me. I will take your suggestions seriously. But please keep to legal and legitimate means.

 

[fastpitch17]

I assume the house has a door to the outside. She should use it and get out. If she can visit the neighbor to use the phone she could just keep going. Jakarta is big and easy to disappear. Family, friends, whoever could help. If she can call you, she can call others.

 

[Dave70]

He has been mistreating her and using her for sex. Whenever she has her menses or gastric and cannot have sex, he will throw his tantrums.

He has very high IQ and EQ, no physical abuse, just constant mental intimidations and torture.

Forcing sex on her is marital rape, it is physical abuse. She can refuse sex at anytime for whatever reason, if he forces himself, she can report it to the police.

BTW, don't think of coming to Indonesia until her case is settled otherwise you will risk being arrested and detained if the monster husband sue you. After all, they are legally married.

 

[Ernest Chay]

She is terrified and is afraid to go against his will for fear of the so called evidence he is holding. I told her to share this with her parents and all they did was to go to some fortune teller. Advice from her lady friends and mother is the golden phrase "Tahan first". Six weeks has passed and she is risking pregnancy every day.

 

[Ernest Chay]

I assume the house has a door to the outside. She should use it and get out. If she can visit the neighbor to use the phone she could just keep going. Jakarta is big and easy to disappear. Family, friends, whoever could help. If she can call you, she can call others.

Running away may not be a long term solution....he knows where she lives. She misses her parents and daughter so much.

 

[Ernest Chay]

Forcing sex on her is marital rape, it is physical abuse. She can refuse sex at anytime for whatever reason, if he forces himself, she can report it to the police.

BTW, don't think of coming to Indonesia until her case is settled otherwise you will risk being arrested and detained if the monster husband sue you. After all, they are legally married.

Not sure how things work, but maybe the police will not interfere much thinking it is a domestic dispute. She is too petrified to try anything. I appreciate your kind words. I do have the impulse to fly there but I have to keep a sound and calm mind to win this uphill battle.

 

[Missnaughty]

You are such a caring boyfriend. Did you know that she is a married woman when you met her and decided to have relationship with her?

And I think someone mentioned earlier about walk out from the house. Walk out, back to live with mom, file a divorce. … and back to single life again.

It is not that complicated…. especially with husband hold proof that she has been cheating on him. It will be quick and straight forward case. Of course, she wont get anything from the husband. The judge will be on his side. But really there is no reason for her to stay in the house.

 

[Ernest Chay]

You are such a caring boyfriend. Did you know that she is a married woman when you met her and decided to have relationship with her?

And I think someone mentioned earlier about walk out from the house. Walk out, back to live with mom, file a divorce. … and back to single life again.

It is not that complicated…. especially with husband hold proof that she has been cheating on him. It will be quick and straight forward case. Of course, she wont get anything from the husband. The judge will be on his side. But really there is no reason for her to stay in the house.

Its very complicated... the short answer is no, I do not.

We are afraid the monster maniac will sue her for adultery. She said she still can "tahan" ( I hate this word).

 

[Helpful Herbert]

They went thru the traditional marriage ritual in Aug 2019 but was unable to consummate the marriage because she was rushing for a flight back to Singapore.

This sounds like part of a movie script but I'm not sure what it actually means.
Nikah siri in the morning, then call bluebird to take her to terminal 3? Why? Seems an unusual schedule for one's wedding day.

 

[Hawk256]

I don't know the whole story, only what you have said so far but I would warn you that are potentially treading in dangerous territory no only legally but also from a physical standpoint. Jealous husbands can be a problem anywhere but potentially more in SE Asia. I would reconsider how much this person means to me and what price I am willing to pay to be with that person. Either monetarily or physically. I don't see a smooth ride for you in the future. Believe nothing you hear and only half of what you see.

 

[macvert]

My wife says Nikah Siri cannot be registered under Indonesian law, she has nothing to fear legally. Buy her a plane ticket & tell her to get out of that door Fastpitch was talking about.

 

[Ernest Chay]

This sounds like part of a movie script but I'm not sure what it actually means.
Nikah siri in the morning, then call bluebird to take her to terminal 3? Why? Seems an unusual schedule for one's wedding day.

She only took three days off from work in sg, most time spent on travelling. Its crazy but its true.

 

[Ernest Chay]

I don't know the whole story, only what you have said so far but I would warn you that are potentially treading in dangerous territory no only legally but also from a physical standpoint. Jealous husbands can be a problem anywhere but potentially more in SE Asia. I would reconsider how much this person means to me and what price I am willing to pay to be with that person. Either monetarily or physically. I don't see a smooth ride for you in the future. Believe nothing you hear and only half of what you see.

I understand where you are coming from....I appreciate the advice and you sound like an experienced and wise person. The fact that I am posting here when I am based in sg shows that I am not giving up without a fight. We have been togather for more than four years, seems to me like forty years, and I mean it in a good way.

This incident is unfortunate, yes. Did she marry another man behind my back while we were madly in love, yes. But does it change the way I feel about her, no. Most people will say I am blind and goblog. I will say this, I have had other relationships, most diminish when the passion burns out. She is the only one I love more than the first time I laid my eyes on her.

Nobody knows how this is going to turn out, but I am not going to give up.

 

[gemima]

I understand where you are coming from....I appreciate the advice and you sound like an experienced and wise person. The fact that I am posting here when I am based in sg shows that I am not giving up without a fight. We have been togather for more than four years, seems to me like forty years, and I mean it in a good way.

This incident is unfortunate, yes. Did she marry another man behind my back while we were madly in love, yes. But does it change the way I feel about her, no. Most people will say I am blind and goblog. I will say this, I have had other relationships, most diminish when the passion burns out. She is the only one I love more than the first time I laid my eyes on her.

Nobody knows how this is going to turn out, but I am not going to give up.

Have you been financially supporting her over the 4 years? I feel she may be playing two men off each other (this may sound harsh - I'm a woman myself - I apologize if I've made the wrong assumption about her character).

 

[Ernest Chay]

My wife says Nikah Siri cannot be registered under Indonesian law, she has nothing to fear legally. Buy her a plane ticket & tell her to get out of that door Fastpitch was talking about.

I am still trying to find more info on this... I believe they had a formal wedding...appreciate your kind reply.

 

[Ernest Chay]

Have you been financially supporting her over the 4 years? I feel she may be playing two men off each other (this may sound harsh - I'm a woman myself - I apologize if I've made the wrong assumption about her character).

That's a fair assumption. No offence taken. It is almost impossible to understand why she did what she did. I would rather believe what you said is true so I do not hurt so much now. Most will think I am a poor deluded chap who refuses to wake up.

Have you been with someone whom you met more than four years ago that still make your heart beat fast, your palms sweaty and smile like a goon when you remember the jokes you share. I am very very sure she feels the same way.

 

[gemima]

That's a fair assumption. No offence taken. It is almost impossible to understand why she did what she did. I would rather believe what you said is true so I do not hurt so much now. Most will think I am a poor deluded chap who refuses to wake up.

Have you been with someone whom you met more than four years ago that still make your heart beat fast, your palms sweaty and smile like a goon when you remember the jokes you share. I am very very sure she feels the same way.

This isn't answering the question - are you financially supporting the lady?

If I were in a financially desperate situation and I was an attractive lady I could imagine using it to my advantage to make a man's heartbeat fast etc. There is a lot of ladies in the world who do that. In many cases, they probably end up in quite happy relationships (she gets financial stability - he gets an attractive partner).

I personally don't like the fast heartbeat stage of relationships (infatuation) - I prefer the longer, steadier stage where you 100% know the other person and can just be yourself without wondering if the other person feels the same way (companionship/ love). 4 years of fast heartbeat sounds like torture.

I fear you are being conned.

 

[dafluff]

I am still trying to find more info on this... I believe they had a formal wedding...appreciate your kind reply.

This is the love of your life for four years, who got married behind your back while in a relationship with you, and you don't even know what her legal marital status is? Don't take this the wrong way, but either you are crazy, or I am, for responding with a serious answer:

Anyway, if she doesn't have a formal marriage (very common in Indonesia), then there are zero legal repercussions for her having a relationship with you.

If she has a formal marriage, buku nikah (from KUA - for Muslims) or Akta Perkawinan (from Catatan Sipil - for all others), then for the legal threats to work he has to prove that sex (penetrative) has taken place. This can be done via several legal means in Indonesia: witnesses (caught in the act), confession, explicit photos/videos (incl. electronic).

Further according to Pasal 284 ayat (1) KUHP, the maximum sentence for this is 9 months. Provided that somehow the court can be satisfied that sex outside marriage occurred, it is very rare that a full sentence will be given, especially for a first-time offender. A reduced sentence or even probation is much more likely. Especially for the woman.

On the flip side, it seems that she is not able to leave for some reason, despite the fact that she is free to leave the house and phone the neighbors. You mentioned the husband has asked for a sum of money. Did you provide this? And also, has she asked for more money yet?

 

[macvert]

This is the love of your life for four years, who got married behind your back while in a relationship with you, and you don't even know what her legal marital status is? Don't take this the wrong way, but either you are crazy, or I am, for responding with a serious answer:

Anyway, if she doesn't have a formal marriage (very common in Indonesia), then there are zero legal repercussions for her having a relationship with you.

If she has a formal marriage, buku nikah (from KUA - for Muslims) or Akta Perkawinan (from Catatan Sipil - for all others), then for the legal threats to work he has to prove that sex (penetrative) has taken place. This can be done via several legal means in Indonesia: witnesses (caught in the act), confession, explicit photos/videos (incl. electronic).

Further according to Pasal 284 ayat (1) KUHP, the maximum sentence for this is 9 months. Provided that somehow the court can be satisfied that sex outside marriage occurred, it is very rare that a full sentence will be given, especially for a first-time offender. A reduced sentence or even probation is much more likely. Especially for the woman.

On the flip side, it seems that she is not able to leave for some reason, despite the fact that she is free to leave the house and phone the neighbors. You mentioned the husband has asked for a sum of money. Did you provide this? And also, has she asked for more money yet?

Here's another couple of questions to add to my already mounting list which I hope will be answered in time.

 

[Ernest Chay]

This is the love of your life for four years, who got married behind your back while in a relationship with you, and you don't even know what her legal marital status is? Don't take this the wrong way, but either you are crazy, or I am, for responding with a serious answer:

Anyway, if she doesn't have a formal marriage (very common in Indonesia), then there are zero legal repercussions for her having a relationship with you.

If she has a formal marriage, buku nikah (from KUA - for Muslims) or Akta Perkawinan (from Catatan Sipil - for all others), then for the legal threats to work he has to prove that sex (penetrative) has taken place. This can be done via several legal means in Indonesia: witnesses (caught in the act), confession, explicit photos/videos (incl. electronic).

Further according to Pasal 284 ayat (1) KUHP, the maximum sentence for this is 9 months. Provided that somehow the court can be satisfied that sex outside marriage occurred, it is very rare that a full sentence will be given, especially for a first-time offender. A reduced sentence or even probation is much more likely. Especially for the woman.

On the flip side, it seems that she is not able to leave for some reason, despite the fact that she is free to leave the house and phone the neighbors. You mentioned the husband has asked for a sum of money. Did you provide this? And also, has she asked for more money yet?

Thank you for your insanely relevant reply and info. We are eternally grateful. No money has been mentioned since it started. The monster had demanded around 3,000 sing dollars (I was unaware at this stage) for the divorce but that was just a smoke screen to trick my gf back to indo. I do not know whether evidence on this can be recovered.

Her quarantine ended 15 Oct. We were still talking on the phone that day. After that she disappeared for a month and I was extremely worried. I thought she had met with an accident or some mishap. When she finally called me, she was still trying to deny that she is married and of course I was heart broken when I just found out.

That asshole tried to cut off all forms of contact, including her facebook, whatsapp, Tiktok. Till today, despite torturing her into a bag of bones, he is still painting a beautiful picture to the outside world they are a loving couple.

I understand how this may look like a con job and I appreciate the advices and warnings. But like I said before, even if I end up a complete loser in this whole episode, it is a battle I choose to die in.