Jokes

[William King]

Just sold my homing pigeons on Ebay for the 3rd time.

 

[Davita]

Just sold my homing pigeons on Ebay for the 3rd time.

I read the last time a young male pigeon refused to return as he was too tired. The mother said to not worry as she'd tie a string from her to him and tow him back...The child started to cry and said "Mama...I don't want to be pigeon-towed!"

 

[Supir Angkot]

Great Lines by
Darto Suleiman

" Change can't be given anytime. You have to bring the Change"

Who is Darto Suleiman ?
He is a bus conductor

Read the lines again
I loved your thinking

Dalai Lama gets off my angkot and after he pays his fare for the ride,
he says “where my change? “, and I said "Ah, change comes from within."

 

[macvert]

How many Narcissists does it take to change a light bulb?
Just one but it takes time, because they just hold it up to the socket & wait for the world to revolve around them.

 

[Davita]

I'm so diabolically handsome I don't get these jokes from Rodney Dangerfield...but thought some of you guys might understand them....tehehehe!

I went to a massage parlor. It was self-service.
A hooker once told me she had a headache.
I was making love to this girl and she started crying. I said, 'Are you going to hate yourself in the morning?' She said, 'No, I hate myself now.'
I'm so ugly I stuck my head out the window and got arrested for mooning.
I know I'm not sexy. When I put my underwear on I can hear the Fruit-of-the-Loom guys giggling.
I was such an ugly kid! When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up.
I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and radio.
I was such an ugly baby that my mother never breast fed me. She told me that she only liked me as a friend.
I'm so ugly my father carried around a picture of the kid that came with his wallet.
When I was born, the doctor came into the waiting room and said to my father, "I'm sorry. We did everything we could, but he pulled through anyway."
I'm so ugly my mother had morning sickness AFTER I was born.
I remember the time that I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.
Once when I was lost, I saw a policeman, and asked him to help me find my parents. I said to him, "Do you think we'll ever find them?" He said, "I don't know kid. There's so many places they can hide."
I'm so ugly, I once worked in a pet shop, and people kept asking how big I'd get.
I went to see my doctor. "Doctor, every morning when I get up and I look in the mirror I feel like throwing up. What's wrong with me?" He said: "Nothing, your eyesight is perfect."
One year they wanted to make me a poster boy -- for birth control.

 

[kratos]

One day in class

Teacher: kids, what do you do after school ?

1st student: I go buy weed from Yakobo
2nd student: I go buy cigarettes from Yakobo
3rd student: I buy cocaine from yakobo
4th student : I stay home and do my homework

Teacher : well we'll well that's very good 4th student . I hereby appoints you as class monitor chief. What's your name

4th student: Yakobo

 

[kratos]

So, you are complaining that the boyfriend you broke up with 2 weeks ago now is engaged ?
Well my sister, congratulations, at least you made it to semi finals

 

[Davita]

After 35 years of marriage, a husband and wife came for counseling. When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a tirade listing every problem they had ever had in all the years they had been married.

On and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured.

Finally, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and after asking the wife to stand, he embraced and kissed her long and passionately as her husband watched - with a raised eyebrow. The woman shut up and quietly sat down in a daze.

The therapist turned to the husband and said, "This is what your wife needs at least 3 times a week. Can you do this?"

"Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays…………..but I fish on Fridays.

​

 

[Daniel50]

Here is a story similar to Davita's. I found it humorous when I first read it a few years ago.

http://www.funny.com/cgi-bin/WebObj...CLP1M&Funny_Jokes=Advice_From_Retired_Husband

 

[macvert]

EFFECTIVE SUICIDE COUNSELLING!
A desperate looking woman stood poised on the edge of a high cliff about to jump.
A filthy tramp wandering by stopped and said,"Look, since you'll be dead in a few minutes, and it won't matter to you, how about a shag before you go"?
The woman screamed, "NO, bugger off you filthy old bastard"
The tramp shrugged and turned away saying,"Okay, I'll just go and wait at the bottom."
The woman then decided not to jump.........

 

[fastpitch17]

I was walking down a DC Street when I noticed a pair of shoes walking down the sidewalk towards me with a hat on top of them. I stopped and asked a man standing on the side, leaning against a building, "what is that?" His reply, "that's Trump, someone finally kicked the shit out of him."

 

[kratos]

A manager tell a joke and everyone in the room laugh except one guy.

Curious, he ask the guy " Didn't you understand the joke I just said ?"

The man reply " I resigned yesterday"

 

[vocalneal]

Donald Trump says to Mike Pence, "The less immigrants we allow in, the better."
Pence says, "The fewer".
Trump says, "I told you not to call me that yet."

 

[vocalneal]

Playing doctors and nurses with the wife last night didn't go well...
Especially when I diagnosed her as clinically obese!

 

[vocalneal]

Hey Dad, why is my sisters name Teresa ?
Reply: Because its an anagram of Easter
Oh i see, thanks Dad,
Reply: Thats ok Alan...

 

[vocalneal]

I asked my Kiwi mate how many sexual partners he has had,he started counting then fell asleep.

 

[vocalneal]

If you are struggling to work out what you should get someone for their birthday then get them a fridge and watch their face light up.

 

[vocalneal]

The Presbyterian church called a meeting to decide what to do about their squirrels. After much prayer and consideration, they concluded the squirrels were predestined to be there and they shouldn't interfere with God's divine will.

At the Baptist church the squirrels had taken an interest in the baptistery. The deacons met and decided to put a water slide on the baptistery and let the squirrels drown themselves. The squirrels liked the slide and, unfortunately, knew instinctively how to swim so twice as many squirrels showed up the following week.

The Methodist church decided that they were not in a position to harm any of God's creatures. So, they humanely trapped their squirrels and set them free near the Baptist Church . Two weeks later the squirrels were back when the Baptists took down the water slide.

But the Catholic Church came up with a very creative strategy. They baptized all the squirrels and consecrated them as members of the church. Now they only see them on Christmas and Easter.

Not much was heard from the Jewish synagogue; they took the first squirrel and circumcised him. They haven't seen a squirrel since.

 

[vocalneal]

Jane and Arlene are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. Jane pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.
Arlene: What in the hell is that?
Jane: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.
Arlene: Where did you get it?
Jane: You can get them at any pharmacy.
The next day, Arlene hobbles herself into the local pharmacy and
announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.
The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is, after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what size, texture, brand of condom she prefers.
'Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel.'
The pharmacist fainted.

 

[kratos]

A Chinese man came in a bar,
Sat next to a white guy. White guy stared at him and asked

"do you know any kung-fu or Shaolin martial arts ?"

Offended, the Chinese guy replied
"why? Is it because I look Chinese with slant eye ? You people here easily stereotype d others ?"

The guy said, " no, coz that's my beer you're drinking now "