Counseling/therapy for tween in Bandung

[Jaime C]

My tween has been rebelling a bit of late, especially interactions with her mom. Lack of respect for adults, and too much screen time seem to be the biggest issues. They can go from 0-100 in a short time. They love to push each other’s buttons.

We are trying to limit her screen time, but it’s not easily implemented. We’re also trying to give her more activities to make up for less screen time. Badminton, volleyball or similar activities. Walking in the morning with my wife or her Oma.

I am encouraging them to have some therapy together, but my wife wants no part of it. Thinks it’s a waste of money. My daughter seems interested.

Does anyone know a good therapist, preferably a female bilingual one. I’d guess a weekly or biweekly appointment, if it’s just my daughter.

 

[harryopal1]

Good luck. Your aspirations are admirable and I hope you can find a counsellor that helps but the reality is that this description is of the teenager of the social media age. If you find a counsellor perhaps go along also to help you deal with teenagers and the digital age.

This might be useful https://www.bark.us/blog/digital-parenting-101/ but you might need a VPN to open it as it seemed to be blocked before I connected my VPN.

 

[fastpitch17]

Good luck. Your aspirations are admirable and I hope you can find a counsellor that helps but the reality is that this description is of the teenager of the social media age. If you find a counsellor perhaps go along also to help you deal with teenagers and the digital age.

This might be useful https://www.bark.us/blog/digital-parenting-101/ but you might need a VPN to open it as it seemed to be blocked before I connected my VPN.

Could very well be falling head first into that Twilite Zone refered to as puberty. A well known cause of rampant hormones attempting to control all thoughts and actions without the host having knowledge as to what is the cause. Known to make a tween a rebellious brat. Understanding and a lot of honest two way communication and time are the only known remedies.

 

[harryopal1]

I had friends with teenage daughters who, it seemed, felt their purpose in life was to make their mother's life as miserable as possible. The girls grew out of it and mother and daughters became very close. A difficult transition period in life to get through for both adolescents and parents.

 

[Teabag]

My tween has been rebelling a bit of late, especially interactions with her mom. Lack of respect for adults, and too much screen time seem to be the biggest issues. They can go from 0-100 in a short time. They love to push each other’s buttons.

Same here with my kids, when they were younger. Not so extreme as described from Jaime, but also annoying.

We found out, that the shorter the leash was, given trough our expectations, the more they have rebelled. We then focused only on the very basic and important things, like go to school, make your homework, care for your pet and obey the law.

All the other drama we just let run and we did not set any borders regarding computer / screen time, time to sleep and so on.

We also see by friends of us the same scheme, the tighter the education from the parents is, the more they freak out. Especially the more shy ones rebell later and harder.

You may try another way of parental education, different from the way you always did and see the reaction of the tween. Maybee make a deal, no more lack of respect, therefore more freedom in daily life and screen time.

It's hard for the parents to let go, but the longer the leash, the faster the drama is over.

All the best for you.

 

[Hawk256]

I guess I was lucky. My daughter was always very tender hearted and a disapproving look went far enough. I never really had to punish her per se. She was always considerate and grew into a considerate young woman. Maybe it's good that I stopped at one.

 

[Jaime C]

Well, if unchecked, even on school days she might use her ipad for 6-8 hours a day. On weekends, it could be even more. We are sticking to one hour of device time on school days, 2 hours on holidays and weekends. If behavior is bad, then we just take devices away.

Her mom is certainly a catalyst in their arguments. It just drives me crazy to be stuck in the middle of their hurricane when they are going at full blast. If I thought I’d live through it, I’d take both of their devices away…

We are trying to find her other activities to do, starting with some badminton lessons this Friday. Perhaps some other type of team sports like volleyball, soccer, later on.

 

[fastpitch17]

Well, if unchecked, even on school days she might use her ipad for 6-8 hours a day. On weekends, it could be even more. We are sticking to one hour of device time on school days, 2 hours on holidays and weekends. If behavior is bad, then we just take devices away.

Her mom is certainly a catalyst in their arguments. It just drives me crazy to be stuck in the middle of their hurricane when they are going at full blast. If I thought I’d live through it, I’d take both of their devices away…

We are trying to find her other activities to do, starting with some badminton lessons this Friday. Perhaps some other type of team sports like volleyball, soccer, later on.

Whatever you enroll her in, make sure she has an interest in it. If enrolled in something she doesn't care for it just becomes a punishment. Have you asked her what her interest are? I favor team sports over individual sports due to the lessons learn like team, observation of others involved, social acceptance, time management lessons, skills learned, and following instructions. I see a trend building in developing more female soccer here. Indonesia is seeing more and more of it in Asian nations and like many things they may be late to the table but will build after that.

No matter what you put her in, if she says she takes no interest, all you can do is ask her to try for one month and if she still has no interest, try something else. She needs to be in something she is willing to put the work into or you just might find added rebellion. While you're at it, find your wife something to take her mind off things for awhile.

 

[Jaime C]

Whatever you enroll her in, make sure she has an interest in it. If enrolled in something she doesn't care for it just becomes a punishment. Have you asked her what her interest are? I favor team sports over individual sports due to the lessons learn like team, observation of others involved, social acceptance, time management lessons, skills learned, and following instructions. I see a trend building in developing more female soccer here. Indonesia is seeing more and more of it in Asian nations and like many things they may be late to the table but will build after that.

No matter what you put her in, if she says she takes no interest, all you can do is ask her to try for one month and if she still has no interest, try something else. She needs to be in something she is willing to put the work into or you just might find added rebellion. While you're at it, find your wife something to take her mind off things for awhile.

Her mom was pointing her towards basketball, as her best friend has a son who is playing. My daughter likes to watch basketball, but not play. So I asked her what sports she’d like to play, and went in that direction. We’re not trying to force her do sports she doesn’t like.

 

[harryopal1]

"...she might use her ipad for 6-8 hours a day." This is the new norm. Perhaps in a previous life you were King Canute trying to turn the tide back. This is the great social disease of the so called social media age. Go to a restaurant and there is a table with three couples and they are all on their ipads. I am not saying it is good... actually it is terrible, addictive and setting people up for serious posture and neck problems later in life. I hope you can lure your daughter to other activities. Somehow I daresay she needs to recognize the dangers herself. Just laying down rules might work but it may increase the levels of animosity. Do keep us posted as to how it goes.

 

[Bad_azz]

Well, if unchecked, even on school days she might use her ipad for 6-8 hours a day. On weekends, it could be even more. We are sticking to one hour of device time on school days, 2 hours on holidays and weekends. If behavior is bad, then we just take devices away.

Her mom is certainly a catalyst in their arguments. It just drives me crazy to be stuck in the middle of their hurricane when they are going at full blast. If I thought I’d live through it, I’d take both of their devices away…

We are trying to find her other activities to do, starting with some badminton lessons this Friday. Perhaps some other type of team sports like volleyball, soccer, later on.

The thing about device time is to lead by example too- so if a young adult's parents are on their devices several hours a day & not abiding by similar rules it will be seen as a boundary to push hard on.

 

[gemima]

Well, if unchecked, even on school days she might use her ipad for 6-8 hours a day. On weekends, it could be even more. We are sticking to one hour of device time on school days, 2 hours on holidays and weekends. If behavior is bad, then we just take devices away.

Her mom is certainly a catalyst in their arguments. It just drives me crazy to be stuck in the middle of their hurricane when they are going at full blast. If I thought I’d live through it, I’d take both of their devices away…

We are trying to find her other activities to do, starting with some badminton lessons this Friday. Perhaps some other type of team sports like volleyball, soccer, later on.

I'm not a parent but I have a very close and cordial relationship with my 14 year old niece so I have some insight I think.
I dont think its possible to expect her to cut down to 1 hour during the week and 2 hours on weekends/ holidays.
1 TV episode could be 1 hour long - that's her whole allowance gone. She will want to chat with her mates (maybe some of the chatting might even be about school work). I recommend you loosen up the timing.
If your wife and/ or you are not following the same timing rules then you have NO hope imposing it on the girl - so this is a family project not a "control the daughter" project.
I think in your shoes I would impose a no devices after 8pm rule for everyone in the house rather than policing usage of 1 person.

Like I said - I'm not a parent so my advice is to be taken with a HUGE pince of salt Good luck!

 

[macvert]

We had a similar problem with our 3 & screen time so we put a few rules in place which lucky for us didn't cause more than the expected grumbling. Yes, we had to be vigilant & uphold those rules but they got used to it.

After school they would have to complete any homework before they were allowed to use their phones & then come 8pm had to turn their phones off & leave them with us..

Of a morning before school, if they needed to use their phones for legitimate reasons like contacting school friends about daily activities or whatever they were to be used outside of their bedrooms, in the lounge room etc.

If there was no school the next day,any homework still had to be completed first but then it was free for all within reason.

I think at first we may have tried limiting screen time o a certain number of hours per day but it was hard to keep track of all 3 & possibly a bit harsh.

What may have made it a bit easier for us was that we were dealing with 3 who were all subject to the same rules so didn't feel like they were being singled out for unfair treatment which could be a problem for an only child especially if their friends are just left by their parents to their own devices ....

 

[Shadrach]

We had a similar problem with our 3 & screen time so we put a few rules in place which lucky for us didn't cause more than the expected grumbling. Yes, we had to be vigilant & uphold those rules but they got used to it.

After school they would have to complete any homework before they were allowed to use their phones & then come 8pm had to turn their phones off & leave them with us..

Of a morning before school, if they needed to use their phones for legitimate reasons like contacting school friends about daily activities or whatever they were to be used outside of their bedrooms, in the lounge room etc.

If there was no school the next day,any homework still had to be completed first but then it was free for all within reason.

I think at first we may have tried limiting screen time o a certain number of hours per day but it was hard to keep track of all 3 & possibly a bit harsh.

What may have made it a bit easier for us was that we were dealing with 3 who were all subject to the same rules so didn't feel like they were being singled out for unfair treatment which could be a problem for an only child especially if their friends are just left by their parents to their own devices ....

We didn't have the cellphone problem when my kids were small, but before they could play, that had to do their chores (work). It builds character and teaches them about responsibility!

 

[Balifrog]

Have 3 kids. Born 95, 99, 00. Boy, boy, girl.
They got their first phone at 15.

The one born in 99 was addicted (13 / 14) years old at on line gaming on the home P.C.
Participated in late night competition, etc.... minimum 6 h a day.
Turned out good, he is now a computer engineer !

One friend, programmer, to whom I spoke about his "addiction" spoke to him and suggested him "what about instead of playing these games you write them ?"
Not sure that was the "click" but some time later he started to speak about learning programming.

I would NEVER have called in a shrink. Parents are supposed to be able to sort this kind of problems.

Note that yes, this was 10 years ago, and they were all French educated. Thing may be worse now, and in another environment.

 

[Bad_azz]

I also think it is not so much about screen time, rather the quality of the content.
Some gaming can be useful to train the brain, some music videos are great for helping to learn languages or just to feel happy and relaxed,and some mindless drivel (for me sinetron type stuff) is just pretty useless ( though some may argue that it teaches about societal behaviour).
I actively encourage the kids I know to use online tools to help them with things such as homework- but to use them responsibly- A.I can be a great teaching tool as long as the right questions are asked- so it is about teaching the child to ask the questions in the right way: example - child is struggling with a maths equation- instead of asking A.I for the answer - have them ask A.I explain how to work through it in simple terms . A lot of school work /homework uses 'screen time' for doing things such as researching projects too.
it is the way of the world and it is the future for this generation, so I truly believe it is best that we educate our kids in being discerning with how we use these tech tools and this will, hopefully, be much more beneficial than them not having the same exposure as their peers.

 

[Helpful Herbert]

one hour of device time on school days, 2 hours on holidays and weekends

This might have worked 10 years ago, but is completely unrealistic these days, even for a 5 year old never mind a tween. All her school friends will be on their devices several hours a day. The longer you stick with this policy the worse things will get imho.

Imagine if we had been told as a child "you can only talk to your friends, watch TV, play a board game or Scalextric or Barbie, [add other 1970s forms of entertainment]" for a total of 1 hour per day. All this stuff is done on the phone now, annoying as that is.

 

[Balifrog]

Another thing is, as mentionned previously, the example set by the parents.
Now, if the parents, while eating have their nose in their phone, or while together at the restaurant they're.both on their phone and let the kid play with their tablet, there is no hope.
My kids are adult now, but they still know the rule : no phones at the table, except for taking pictures of the food. Posting and texting is for later.

This is valid at home and outside.

 

[MamangDudul]

Another thing is, as mentionned previously, the example set by the parents.
Now, if the parents, while eating have their nose in their phone, or while together at the restaurant they're.both on their phone and let the kid play with their tablet, there is no hope.
My kids are adult now, but they still know the rule : no phones at the table, except for taking pictures of the food. Posting and texting is for later.

This is valid at home and outside.

We have the same approach. Limiting screentime every day or at weekend seems difficult and not very realistic, except it gets too excessive. Then we will just take away the device or close the TV and so on.
But no devices during family time like eating or going out and stuff like that is a must. Oh, and homework first.

 

[Jaime C]

She had her first badminton lesson on Saturday. She liked it quite a bit, but for some reason decided not to eat anything at all the whole day before the lesson.

She was running ragged for 30 minutes, took a break and then vomited. I hope next week, she’ll eat a sensible meal an hour or two before her lesson. She is very active, normally, just needs to build her stamina up a bit.

As for her screen time limit, her whole behavior changes for the worst when she has a lot of device usage. We aren’t limiting her TV time, and she has playdates with current or former school friends every week.

I recall many tech CEO’s didn’t let their kids have any screen time. I know that won’t work with my daughter, and am trying to find a healthy balance. My wife has designated me as the enforcer.