Marriage counselling by Muslim Imam

colroe

Active Member
Charter Member
Joined
Jul 22, 2016
Messages
45
Just little advice if I may ask. Having lots of problems with wife of 10 years lying to me over money and other issues. I believe most of the money I give her for housekeeping is being channeled to her family. She gets plenty of money to look after house and kids but it is never enough!! I was thinking of seeking some marriage counselling from local Imam. My wife is Muslim, not strict, and I am nominally Muslim but do not practice..Too long a story and too personal for here, but would like some general ideas on how to handle it, and would the Muslim counselling be a good idea. Thanks
 

lifelongexpat

Well-Known Member
Cager
Joined
Jul 9, 2017
Messages
346
I would advise using a qualified counsellor, not an iman.
Getting religious people (of any sort) involved would probably be as much use use a barber shop on the steps on the steps of the guillotine.

So I agree with William King. A qualified counsellor would be your best bet.
 

waarmstrong

Well-Known Member
Charter Member
Cager
Joined
Jul 17, 2016
Messages
2,201
Qualified marriage counselors and Imams are not mutually exclusive groups.

If you are simply looking for someone, the wife would view as an authority, to read her the riot act, then a conservative Imam might be just the ticket. If you want to know why your wife feels she cannot be honest with you or to explore, as well, the possibility that you have an agenda getting in the way of accepting that your spouse is honest and truthful, then a credentialed, experienced, mutually accepted counselor might be helpful, be that person an Imam or not, male or female.

There is an organization of Indonesian women married to foreign nationals called Srikandi (I think I spelled it correctly) that has addressed many mixed marriage issues. Its been years since I had any contact with the group; it could be defunct for all I know, but if not, perhaps they have addressed counseling for differences in international marriages.
 

jstar

Mr. 10,000
Joined
Jul 31, 2016
Messages
3,448
Honestly I've seen the money chanelling to the F-I-L quite a bit here. And lying about it? Well, I'm not convinced counseling would improve anything; this is not a western culture and parents and brothers/sisters are extremely important (which could even be confirmed by an Iman). Not pretending to know your situation at all, I would try to be somewhat proactive and involved in supporting her family, giving her the impression you can live with that as long as you are kept in the loop?
 

Jaime C

Well-Known Member
Charter Member
Cager
Joined
Jul 16, 2016
Messages
778
Perhaps work on a budget with her, and get receipts for all expenses.

Early on when I began supporting my then fiance’ parents, they voluntary supplied receipts for even the most mundane things and for amounts as small as 5000 IDR.

Of course, there are likely deeper issues in the marriage that need to be worked on. If she is indeed surreptitiously supporting large swaths of her family against your wishes, cutting them off like this will make her lose face.
 

waarmstrong

Well-Known Member
Charter Member
Cager
Joined
Jul 17, 2016
Messages
2,201
Marriages organized as supervisor-worker structures are doomed. Make a budget together, one that transparently shares all the particulars of the assets and income of the marriage. Trust is a two-way street.
 

Balifrog

Well-Known Member
Joined
Nov 28, 2017
Messages
180
When I read this kind of stuff, I always shake my head in incomprehension or should I says disbelieve ?
First of all if one needs external help for this kind of domestic issues, one has to question himself.
Second, in the context I am not sure an imman or any kind of religious man will choice your side, he will more likely go for the "you, know it is the tradition here....blabla.."
But above all, and I have lived in several Asian countries since 25 years and seen this stuff dozens of time, if you dont assume your role as man and leader, you will very quickly be overrun by those "traditions" .
I make the income in my house, so I control the budget. End of.
Now if the wife / companion works or has her own income, a different rule applies.
Now, I will probably be flamed for expressing this view, but I have seen this stuff so many times, with Thais, Chinese, Koreans, Philippines, Indonesians and it always ended in tears and money problem for the "foreigner".

Good luck.
 

harryopal

Well-Known Member
Charter Member
Joined
Aug 4, 2016
Messages
601
On one Islamic marital advice web site about how a husband should chastise his wife the reader is told that if a firm message is not heeded then a husband may use his toothbrush to smack her. Whenever my wife doesn't instantly respond to my slightest request (which is most of the time) I threaten to beat her with my toothbrush.
 

waarmstrong

Well-Known Member
Charter Member
Cager
Joined
Jul 17, 2016
Messages
2,201
Perhaps "Flamed" is not an apt description, but I find the expression of male entitlement laughably quaint.
 

jstar

Mr. 10,000
Joined
Jul 31, 2016
Messages
3,448
I strongly believe that if you take up that dominant 'my way or the highway' attitude, the person (who culturally might expect that role) will say yes to your face and will keep on doing the same behind your back. And it becomes a bit like in many Latin cultures; towards the outside world the guy is the boss but in reality...

...now perhaps it all has to do with education and experience. I have never had any issues on financials with my wife, but she had quite some exposure to western culture (studies and work). And she expects a dialogue and would never accept decisions made solely by me.

 

IndoTom

Active Member
Joined
Nov 19, 2016
Messages
89
My wife is Muslim, not strict, and I am nominally Muslim but do not practice.
I recommend you go to a local Mosque and ask for an Imam that is non practising or astray from the religion. That is probably the best fit for your counciling needs. If this sounds crazy, then I think you have a firm grasp of the problem and can move forward on fixing it yourselves. :unsure:

Would you have your wife take the things in Islam the benefit you while ignoring the thing you don't like?
 
Last edited:

jukung11

Well-Known Member
Cager
Joined
Oct 8, 2016
Messages
231
Because culture influences perspective, it may depend on the wife's ethnic group and family structure of who in the marriage gets the riot act from the imam or even counselor.

Older members may get tired of me reposting this. I do this for all the lurkers that may be new to a marriage with an Indonesian. Traditions of gender roles in families is a large part of most Indonesian ethnic groups. If she is an only daughter, or eldest daughter with no brothers, it is her family obligation to financially support her parents. If she has brothers, it is their financial obligation to support the parents and siblings, especially the eldest brother. Traditionally, the wife became part of the husband's family and it is her responsibility to support her children and his parents first. Traditionally, the husband gave gifts or paid a direct bride price to the parents for the cost of raising a daughter.

This is why traditionally parents did not invest in a daughter's higher education if they had a son. Some of the gender roles of women are changing since the dua anak cukup program, and parent's stopped having children until they had a son.

I have seen many wives still give large amounts of money to her family even if it was not her traditional role. Sometimes there was a parent that was highly influential in getting the daughter to give money. Other times, it seemed the daughter was motivated because it was a major step up in her status in her family. Many daughters are treated as second class to sons in Indonesian families. When the family starts becoming financially dependent on her, her status changes.
 

Users Who Are Viewing This Thread (Users: 0, Guests: 1)

Follow Us

Latest Expat Indo Articles

Latest Activity

New posts Latest threads

Latest Tweets by Expat Indo

Online Now

No members online now.

Newest Members

Forum Statistics

Threads
3,898
Messages
60,369
Members
1,434
Latest member
lollipoppen
Top Bottom