Why do young Indonesian women marry older Western men?
Deborah Cassrels
Jul 31, 2020
The book Gods and Demons delves into the reasons for bicultural marriages. The men look happy; It's not as one-sided a deal as it looks from the outside.
For 10 years, journalist Deborah Cassrels was a foreign correspondent based in Bali. Her new memoir describes many of the stories she covered in that time, from the Bali Nine drug traffickers to terrorism and refugees.
In this extract, she delves into the dynamic that attracts Indonesian women to Western men.
Since I’d first settled in Bali, in 2009, one social issue had piqued my interest: the romantic dynamic between Western men and Indonesian women. The rules seemed basic: men were providers, women subordinate. In reality, it was like a poker game – if you play, be prepared to get burnt.
When I met Australian property developer Stuart Smith, a tanned, fit and energetic 54-year-old, he was sitting in his Seminyak resort office eating nasi goreng and juggling business decisions on the phone. He abruptly turned his attention to me. “It’s hard to see an old, out-of-shape, fat guy with absolutely nothing to offer anyone in the West, or here, with a very young girl,” he began. “Sure, I had those feelings; that’s off, it’s not right, there’s something wrong with that scene, isn’t there? Is that what you think?”
“It doesn’t look good,” I conceded.
Fifteen years later, when I spoke to him, the temple still adjoined what was by then their marital home. Smith was uncommitted to a faith; nevertheless, he embraced Balinese Hindu values and believed they imbued their sons Shelby, then 10, and Jet, 11, with a deep sense of morality. Made’s journey into Western culture, including periods in Australia and extensive travel, was, she told me, a steep learning curve.
She felt the envy of other Indonesian women eyeing her lifestyle, her husband and her home. “It’s not an easy life, with all the differences,” the 34-year-old confided. Yet over time they have become much more understanding towards each other. “Stuart speaks my language fluently and more importantly, understands and respects the way of the Balinese,” she said. "Our children have benefited from a cross culture [influence] and better schooling."
Melbourne landscape gardener Warren was one. In my email exchange with the 63-year-old, he told me he was living in penury in the wake of his failed marriage to an Indonesian woman. When they met in Sulawesi in 2006, he was on an adventure to see traditional
pinisi yachts and plan a sailing trip. Instead he became entranced with a nurse 10 years his junior – despite having a girlfriend in Australia – and within five months the couple had married in Melbourne, returning to Sulawesi for a traditional Muslim wedding.
Two years later they moved to Australia after Warren’s wife was granted a spouse visa. In Melbourne, she worked in aged care. “For the first year, things were OK,” he told me. “But the relationship deteriorated and one day she walked out, taking all our savings and the title to a beautiful piece of land in Sulawesi – in her name, but paid for by me. I was left with nothing but a broken heart and no finances.”
Psychologist Fiona Paton had counselled couples in cross-cultural marriages in Bali for five years and in an email exchange she cautiously wrote it was too easy to peg female stereotypes as subservient or to assert cultural mores as the root of problems.
But the distinction between acceptable and taboo behaviour was blurred, as far I saw. Men, I learnt, have a free rein in marriages. In my interviews I was told infidelity was quite rampant. Wives generally turned a blind eye unless they lost face with their Indonesian peers who found out and gossiped.
full article
https://www.afr.com/world/asia/why-do-young-indonesian-women-marry-older-western-men-20200710-p55b09